I’ve talked to many clients (and friends and loved ones) who have lamented that they didn’t pay closer attention to potential red flags early in a dating relationship. At the end of the relationship or after the relationship is already ended, they report feeling stupid for continuing the relationship, ignoring or downplaying behavior that ended up pointing to a larger problem in the long run.

I understand how shame (“I’m stupid for not doing anything about this sooner”) can show up when we reflect back on a failed relationship and see signs along the way that we may have missed or ignored. But when clients say this to me, it gives me pause. I ask them to consider: what other emotions might be underneath this thought or feeling of being “stupid”?

Shame is certainly an emotion, and we may feel shame in these situations, especially if we acted in a way that we regret or that caused harm to ourselves or others. However, I wonder if blaming ourselves is sometimes easier than allowing ourselves to feel other feelings that may come along with ending a toxic or emotionally abusive relationship, or even a relationship that wasn’t toxic. Namely, powerlessness. If we attribute finding ourselves in a toxic or failing relationship to our stupidity, then we don’t have to face the reality that we unknowingly entered into a situation that blindsided and deeply wounded us. It may seem easier to blame ourselves for getting into an unhealthy or difficult situation because we’re “stupid” than to allow ourselves to experience the vulnerability and risk that comes from being in a relationship with another person. We ironically cope with feeling powerless and hurt by shaming ourselves because it gives us a reason for the failed relationship, places the blame on us, and therefore, gives us a sense of control – if the problem is me, then I can “fix” me! (Or it can go the other way – if the problem is me, then I am destined to repeat the same mistakes and choices over and over, and that’s just the way it is.)

What’s interesting about this unique coping mechanism is how easy it can backfire and land us back in the same kind of relationships. If we’re “stupid” when it comes to relationships, then when we enter a new relationship and see red flags, our brain may dismiss them all the more if it believes our judgment in relationships can’t be trusted.

So…pause and take a deep breath. If you find yourself thinking you’re stupid for ending up in a toxic or doomed relationship, consider if your brain is presenting you with this thought as a way of keeping you from fully feeling your powerlessness. If so, try offering yourself compassion. Feeling powerless is a scary feeling to feel. It makes sense that you would not want to feel it, and therefore, telling yourself that you’re stupid and it’s your fault may make you feel less powerless, and give you a sense of hope that you can change. We know that in abusive relationships, the non-abusive partner often feels powerless and thinks that if they just “do better,” their partner will stop abusing them. This powerlessness that you’re feeling – it’s common to feel in toxic and abusive relationships. It’s common to think if you just “be better,” you’ll regain some power and your relationship will improve. You are not alone if you experience these thoughts and feelings.

As scary and overwhelming as it might seem, when we allow our true feelings to exist as they are, we can take the energy that we would’ve spent avoiding those emotions – including “being better” in an effort to restore peace in a relationship – and put it towards values-directed action. In other words, allowing this feeling of powerlessness to exist can enable us to take empowered steps toward living towards our values and engaging in healthy relationships.

Practically, what might this look like? Let’s take the example of gaslighting. If your partner makes you feel crazy or denies doing something that he definitely did, your sense of powerlessness may prompt you to fight back, to argue and defend yourself. As a result, you find yourself in a never-ending argument that just makes you feel more powerless and defeated. When you recognize that feeling of powerless, you can stop and say, “I know what this is. I’m trying to fight back against this to get on the same page and not feel so powerless and it’s not working. I’m going to tell him that I need some time to regroup and step away.” In this instance, you recognize the feeling, recognize how you’re coping with the feeling (which isn’t getting you anywhere), and choose a behavior that’s in line with your values (stepping back and taking a break so you can choose how to respond vs. continuing to engage a never-ending loop). By engaging your feeling of powerless, you’re able to respond in an empowered, values-directed way.

Don’t get me wrong, this can be much easier said than done. In the moment when emotions are high, it can be hard to create space between what we’re truly feeling and how we’re responding, both to ourselves and to our partner. Even more reason to practice self-compassion and to seek support while you walk through this. If you’d like to chat about how I might be able to help, give me a call at (314) 392-2895.