“She Deserves Better” by Sheila Wray Gregoire, with Rebecca Gregoire Lindenback and Joanna Sawatsky

I’m not going to lie, I picked up this book for personal and professional reasons. Like a lot (most?) of millennial women who grew up in the peak of purity culture, I was certainly taught that boys are “visual in nature” and “only after one thing,” and that it was my responsibility to prevent them from sinning by dressing and behaving—dare I say the word of the moment—demure.

I had heard that this book was good for unpacking beliefs that were ingrained in us during that time. I’ve worked with clients who also grew up with those messages, and I’ve seen how it has impacted how they view themselves and their relationships today. And as a mother of two girls, I desire to have real, honest conversations with my daughters about sex and relationships when the time comes, in hopes of them not only avoiding some tough experiences I had in high school, college, and young adulthood, but in hopes of them having healthy and authentic relationships with the opposite sex.

I really appreciated how personal, yet data and evidence-driven this book was. The authors conducted “the largest study ever done on Christian women’s sexual and marital satisfaction” to date and found that “much of the traditional evangelical advice actually leads to worse marriages and sex lives for women—not better.” The authors state that with their surveys they want “moms, mentors, grandmas, aunts, and pastors to have a way forward when teaching girls about their worth and identity in Christ that is based on evidence, not just opinion.” At the end of each chapter, the authors provide a mother-daughter section, with questions for both moms and their daughters to consider and discuss with each other regarding what they just read. Lest you fear that this book is primarily church bashing, the authors cite evidence that shows from their data and other studies that people benefit from spiritual community, and they emphasize that they want girls to be healthy “because of church, not in spite of church.”

Throughout the book, the authors provide infographics outlining the data in an easy-to-read and interpret format, which I greatly appreciated! They highlighted several popular teachings that most of us growing up in the height of purity culture in the 90s and early 2000s would’ve most likely heard, and the correlation between growing up with those particular teachings and particular experiences, such as self-esteem in high school, sexual satisfaction in current marriage, and abuse in current marriage, just to name a few.

Sheila has written about sex and marriage for almost twenty years, and has focused primarily on “how we can identify the harmful things we used to believe and replace them with truth.” Rebecca and Joanna grew up in purity culture, at the time of peak popularity for the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, as well as Focus on the Family’s Brio magazine (I was a devoted subscriber!). Rebecca has a degree in psychology and is trained in psychometrics, while Joanna is an epidemiologist and statistician. Among the three of them, they have the differences of experiences in dating among generations, as well as the educational background to study and speak into this topic. Sheila, as Rebecca’s mother, brings valuable parenting experience to this material, guiding other moms and caregivers through mentoring their girls on how to think about dating, sex, and relationships.

The tone of the book is easy to relate to, humorous at times, but also sober when appropriate, especially when discussing abuse. As a millennial who wore the True Love Waits ring, and read the books, I felt that a lot of this book put into words thoughts, feelings, and experiences I had, but could never fully verbalize myself.

For me, one of the most impactful parts of the book occurred when the authors wrote about setting boundaries, especially when it comes to giving consent. They address the teaching that we are to put Jesus first and others second before ourselves. They ask:

“How do you draw boundaries in these situations if you’re supposed to put yourself last? We’re supposed to emulate Jesus, who literally died for us, so how do we have any right to say no when the consequences aren’t as dire?”

They then go on to explain that we need “to know why Jesus sacrificed himself for people” and “what were not the reasons he sacrificed himself.” They list several reasons why He didn’t die for us, such as “so that our feelings aren’t hurt,” “so that we can avoid learning social skills and continue to make people uncomfortable,” “so that we can mistreat the people around us.” This really resonated with me, as during high school, I had experiences with the opposite sex in which I stayed quiet about something they were doing that was making me feel uncomfortable, but I felt that to draw a boundary would hurt them, make them feel uncomfortable, or make a mountain out of something that was really just a mole hill. This book gives permission and freedom to set boundaries when the authors write:

“Boundaries exist so that you are treated the way Jesus wants you to be treated…We are called to love our neighbors as ourselves. But that does not mean that you matter less than your neighbor—it just means that you don’t act selfishly.”

I really enjoyed this book, and I would definitely recommend it for women (and men!) who grew up in purity culture, and/or moms who are looking to talk about matters of sex, consent, and boundaries with their daughters in a more nuanced, authentic, and direct manner. I think it’s a great resource for youth leaders as well, to know what the research says about the potential ramifications of certain teachings that have become sacrosanct, but in reality, can be problematic.