It’s the holiday season, and if you’re in a serious relationship, there’s a good chance you’ll be interacting with your partner’s family. Soooo…what if you don’t like them? Or they’re difficult to be around? And what does it mean for the future of your relationship if you don’t like them?

Some things to keep in mind when it comes to your own emotions around your partner’s family:

• Allow your feelings about your partner’s family to exist. I think we’re all familiar with the idea of pretending we’re not annoyed by someone until we reach our breaking point and all of our frustration and irritation come out in ways we don’t want them to. It doesn’t necessarily mean that we need to confront our partner’s family or tell our partner all the things we don’t like about their family – it means we just allow our feelings about their family to exist. (Pretending they don’t exist does not make them go away.) We can also be curious about our feelings towards our partner’s family: do they remind us of someone in our own family or personal life who has hurt us? Are we experiencing a reaction to how we’ve witnessed them treat our partner? When we allow these difficult feelings to exist, we spend less mental energy trying to repress them or change them and have more mental energy to act in line with our values.
• Consider what you value when it comes to interacting with people in general. Perhaps it’s honesty, respect, kindness. And then consider what you want to stand for when it comes to interacting with difficult people specifically.  Perhaps you want to stand for thoughtfully responding to provocative statements, which could practically look like taking a deep breath and/or counting to ten in your head before responding to your partner’s uncle’s sexist remark. Maybe you’re aware of how your partner’s brother says something crude just to get a rise out of him (or you) and so you choose to ignore the provocation.
• Decide what conversation or behavior you will not engage in and make a plan to set a boundary. Are you in a conversation with a family member when they bring up politics, a topic you would not like to discuss? Decide how you’d like to politely redirect the conversation. Maybe it’s directly saying, “I enjoy talking with you, but I’m not interested in discussing politics right now” or changing the subject, “Hmm that’s an interesting point. Have you ever thought about running for office?” If a family member is mocking or talking cruelly about someone else, maybe you decide to excuse yourself from the room, or step outside for some fresh air. Think about the things ahead of the event that you know cause you to feel frustrated and/or irritated and make a game plan (either with your partner or by yourself) to use if those hot buttons get pushed at any point during the event.

What does it mean for the future of my relationship if I don’t like my partner’s family?

I don’t necessarily think it’s a “deal breaker” for your relationship if you don’t like your partner’s family. I do think it’s important to explore why you don’t like them. If they remind you of someone in your own life who has caused you pain, or if you see the pain that they have caused your partner over the years, then you can identify those emotions, allow them to exist, and decide how you can cope with them while interacting with your partner’s family. This might look like using coping skills (such as deep breathing, counting to ten, practicing grounding when you’re around them) while also setting boundaries as discussed above.

Should you share your feelings with your partner?

You could if you don’t know how your partner feels about a certain dynamic you’ve witnessed in their family. Approaching this subject from a place of curiosity is key, especially since your partner may not have noticed or picked up on the things that you’re picking up on before. If you notice that your partner’s brother seems to make it his goal to get a rise out of your partner, you could kindly share your observation: “I noticed your brother makes jokes about your job, and I’m wondering what it’s like for you when he does that?” or “What was it like for you when your mom brought up your ex?”

If you notice your partner act differently around his family than he does around you, know that it’s not uncommon for any of us to fall back into old patterns or styles of relating around our family of origin. But just because it’s common doesn’t mean you can’t have feelings about it. Open communication is key here. If you notice your partner drinking a bit more around his family, it may be worth letting him know what you observed: “I noticed you had more to drink than usual tonight. I want you to have fun, but I couldn’t help but wonder if something else was going on for you, being around your family tonight?” You can set boundaries with your partner as well regarding what behavior you will or won’t engage in. If he wants to engage in a political debate with his uncle and you don’t want to bear witness to it, you can let him know ahead of time that you’ll be stepping outside instead. Paying attention to your partner’s reaction to you sharing your feelings and setting boundaries will give you information regarding his respect and regard for your feelings and boundaries. Getting to know your partner’s family is an important part of getting to know your partner – where they come from, the relationships that shaped them, the communication and conflict resolution that was modeled for them. None of us come from perfect families and we all carry brokenness from even the “healthiest” of families into our romantic relationships. It’s important to acknowledge our experience of our partner’s family dynamics, decide how we will cope and respond in ways that honor our partner and our individual values, and be open with our partner when we notice those dynamics—and/or responses to those dynamics—impacting our own relationship. And as your relationship progresses even further towards marriage, it’s helpful to decide how you will interact with these dynamics together.