Today, I’m sharing my review of the book, “Try Softer,” by Aundi Kolber. I knew I wanted to read this book the minute I heard about it, as Kolber’s approach to counseling sounds similar to mine. We both nerd out over how the Bible and biblical principles integrate and speak into evidenced-based counseling, and this book is a reflection of that assimilation.
Kolber is a licensed professional counselor, who shares her own story of growing up in a broken home. She writes about her parents who struggled with their own mental health, and how these early experiences shaped her own mental health, as well as her relationships with God and others. The thesis of the book could be summed up by her statement in the introduction:
“There are truly times when the best, healthiest, most productive thing we can do is not to try harder, but rather to try softer: to compassionately listen to our needs so we can move through pain—and ultimately life—with more gentleness and resilience.”
She goes on to explain that this practice of trying softer is “not a onetime event, but a way we learn to be with ourselves.” She explains that trying softer involves mindfully paying attention to our inner experience and letting that influence our outward expression and behavior in the world. She writes: “It’s an intentional shift toward paying compassionate attention to our own experiences and needs.”
So, according to Kolber, why should we try softer? She advocates for adopting this practice in order to gain new awareness of our experience and pain so that we can attend to our pain “with the same tenderness God does.” She goes on to explain that if we take this stance, it “will be a pathway to connecting with your truest, God-given self.”
Throughout the book, Kolber provides brain and neuroscience to explain the flight, fight, freeze and fawn responses, as well as why we respond to certain stimuli in particular ways based on our past experiences. She explains what’s going on beneath the surface our emotions and how that influences our bodies’ very physical response. She also describes how our earliest relationships and attachments influence how we move through the world, how we relate to others and to God.
At the end of each chapter, Kolber provides reflection questions to help the reader integrate and begin practicing what is being presented in each chapter. She takes concepts such as boundaries, mindfulness, emotion regulation, resilience, negative self-talk, and somatic experiencing—which are all big in the counseling field and what many clients seek counseling for—and examines each of these through the lenses both of the Bible and evidenced-based practice.
The tone of the book feels soft and gentle, as if Kolber is modeling for the reader how to try softer through her knowledgeable, yet gentle and compassionate instruction. Even the parts that are science-y, she explains in a straightforward way that readers can understand, and beautifully weaves the gospel through each chapter. She includes visuals and charts in the chapters with dense material which helps illustrate her concepts, and also includes helpful sidebars with additional tidbits.
I would highly recommend this book, especially for anyone who is curious as to how their faith and difficult emotions and/or difficult childhood experiences intertwine. I think it’s also helpful for those who feel they’ve tried every technique or piece of advice to “feel better” and just haven’t found anything that works. This book teaches a new way to interact with difficult emotions and experiences that feel less about pushing your way through and more about being who God made you to be and in authentic relationship with Him.
