Breaking up sucks.

Even if you know it’s the right thing or needs to happen or the relationship is not healthy.

It still sucks.

I remember the last time I broke up with someone. It was not a healthy relationship. After the break-up conversation, I remember feeling relieved, like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.

But it still sucked.

And it makes sense that it sucks, right?! When we started dating this person, it was because we were interested in them, attracted to them, and maybe along the way, we even fell in love with them. So even if we know when the relationship has run its course, it makes sense that we still grieve the loss of what once was. It makes sense that we grieve the loss of the hope we had for the relationship, that maybe this would be a lifetime or—at the very least—a long-term thing.

I’ve had several clients come to me in the past for help moving through a break-up. For some, there has been a lot of ambivalence. Breaking up has felt like the right move, but then once it’s happened, doubt and uncertainty and confusion come in. Often, I think this can be the brain’s way of protecting us from experiencing pain. If I’m doubting my decision to end a relationship, I don’t have to allow the feelings that come with the fact that the relationship is indeed over. I can hang on to the relationship, even if it’s in an unpleasant way.

I doubt many people want this. Clients often tell me (and I know from personal experience) that even if they’re uncertain, they want to move through this break-up and get on with their lives. So, how do we move through a break-up well?

First, I would suggest that we feel our feelings. We allow it all. The sadness, the hurt, the confusion, even the fear that we made the “wrong” decision. If our brains come at us with accusations that we “let The One get away,” we sit with that fear. We offer ourselves compassion (more about that in a minute) while we sit with that fear and we pause before we take action (like picking up the phone and immediately getting back together). And maybe we get curious about this thought. Is this thought trying to protect me from feeling grief, sadness, pain?

We watch for black and white thinking, thoughts like, “I’ll always be alone,” or “I’m unlovable.” We get curious about these thoughts too. Are they keeping me from feeling an underlying emotion? Is it easier for me to think that there is some fundamental reason that relationships don’t work out for me than it is to risk and be vulnerable in order to connect with others? We can be curious, and then, just allow a thought to be a thought. We don’t have to attach meaning to it. When we think, “I’ll always be alone” or “I’m unlovable,” we can notice that as just a thought, and not a theory we need to disprove by seeking reassurance. If we’re single or newly single, we have no more certainty that we’ll always be alone or that we’re unlovable than a happily married person has certainty that they are lovable and will never be alone. My point is, we can accept these thoughts as strings of words running through our heads and not as absolute truth.

We practice self-compassion. We allow the full range of our emotions to exist without judging ourselves for having them. We remind ourselves that the human race is built to be in relationships, which makes these emotions completely normal and universal to all humans who’ve ever been in a relationship and experienced hurt or loss (meaning, every human). And we’re kind to ourselves. We notice any unkind, blaming, accusatory thoughts, and curiously consider them. We remind ourselves how dearly loved we are by the Lord and by others in our lives.

We practice boundaries. Some clients have ended relationships on fairly positive terms with their significant other, even planning to continue a friendship. While I certainly think it’s possible to have a friendly relationship with an ex, I typically encourage clients to consider what they want that friendship to look like and how their expectations for their ex as a friend differ from their expectations of their ex as a partner. This can help mark a line between “friend” and “boyfriend.” It may mean communicating less frequently, and it may mean disclosing less vulnerable information. I remember when a guy I was dating broke up with me unexpectedly and then told me that I could call and talk to him anytime I needed to. I remember telling him, “If I’m going to talk to someone about how I’m feeling, it’s not going to be you!” I wasn’t trying to be mean, but he had just ended a relationship with me – why would he think he was still a safe person for me to confide in, let alone confide in about him?! I had no personal vendetta against him. He was just no longer a confidante.

Again, breaking up sucks. There’s really no easy way through it. Even if you have 100% certainty and clarity, chances are high that you will still feel some sadness. And that’s ok. We can feel sad without it meaning we made the wrong decision or that we’ll always be alone. If you’d like support as you walk through a break-up, check out my contact info to book a free 15-minute phone consultation to learn more about the services I provide.