This month, I’m reviewing the book, “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love” by Amire Levine, M.D. and Rachel Heller, M.A. I picked this book up at the suggestion of a couple of clients who read it and reported they saw so much of themselves and their own experiences in this book.

I can see why! While reading the book, I saw a lot of my own past relationship experiences (the good, the bad, the ugly) reflected back to me. For anyone who has ever wondered why they keep picking “the same type” of partners that lead to the same disappointing end result, this book may have valuable insight for you!

Wondering what we mean by the term attachment? Levine and Heller describe an attachment style as the “manners in which people perceive and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships, which parallel those found in children.” The authors lay out their objectives for the book directly from the get-go:

• Describe each attachment style
• Help the reader determine their own attachment style
• Help the reader identify the attachment styles of those around them
• Learn the “emotional price of connecting with someone who has drastically different intimacy needs from your own,” as well as guidance on how to make such a relationship work
• Help the reader understand the mindset of securely attached people, including effectively communicating your needs and resolving conflict

The authors definitely accomplish each of these objectives. They draw from their professional experiences as clinicians, as well as numerous research studies and attachment theory. The book is easy to read, and the authors provide relatable vignettes to illustrate their points. I watched the Netflix show, “Nobody Wants This,” while I was reading the book, and I saw so many traits of each attachment style represented so well on that show! (Side note: if you haven’t watched that show yet, it’s a 10/10!)

I like how the authors go out of their way to normalize—instead of pathologize—the insecure attachment styles of anxious and avoidant. They certainly present aspects of the secure attachment style, such as effective communication, as practices to emulate, but they make it clear that anxious and avoidant types are not doomed to miserable and failed relationships. Instead, they emphasize the importance of knowing your attachment style, so that you’re able to recognize your needs and how best to express them to your partner.

One thought that kept coming up for me throughout the book regarded attachment injury. So often our attachment styles are responses to relational trauma we’ve experienced throughout our lives. Looking at our attachment style and considering how we may move towards more effectively and clearly communicating our needs to our partners may feel scary and overwhelming for those who have been through betrayal, abuse, or any kind of relational trauma. This book seems like a really helpful second step for someone who has processed the pain of relational betrayal or trauma and is looking for practical tools to move forward in relationships.

If you’d like to stop repeating the same relationship patterns, dating the same type of people, or if your previous relationship betrayal is keeping you stuck from moving forward, I’d love to chat with you about ways I might be able to support you! Click this link to schedule your free, 15 minute phone consultation today.