I often hear people say that they need to “just stop caring what others think!” I think a lot of times what they mean is that they would like others’ opinions and perceptions of them to matter less in their decision-making. And I get that – I too often wonder what others’ think of me or how they are perceiving me! And sometimes I’ll do things I wouldn’t otherwise do if I know it will please or placate someone else. Yet, the idea that we will never care what others think of us just isn’t realistic. Of course, it makes sense (and is often important!) to value and consider the opinions and feedback from those who we love, respect, admire, and who know us well. But even those who we don’t know or don’t respect, love, admire or share the same values as – their feedback can certainly leave an impact on us as well.

So, if the goal is not to grit our teeth and say, “I don’t care what you think!” what do we do with unwanted or others’ perceptions of us instead? Here are some first steps:

1. We notice and allow the feelings that arise from their opinion, feedback, perception, etc. whether we ask for their input or not. What emotions come up? How does this make us feel in our bodies?
2. We notice the thoughts that come along with the feedback. We look for any “shoulds” or thoughts of judgment.
3. We consider our own values, what’s important to us, what we believe is right, and we consider this feedback in light of our own values.

I’ll provide an example. Let’s say my mom tells me that I need to “lighten up” and let my toddler skip her naptime so that my family and I can attend an all-day family event. (Thankfully, my mom has never done this in real life, so I’m going to imagine what would come up for me if this were to happen!) I would feel frustrated, that my mom would not only tell me how to structure my family’s day, but also hurt and angry that she would judge me as being uptight for sticking to a boundary that works well for our toddler and our family. I imagine my jaw would clench and I would feel tension in my shoulders. I may have the thought that “Mom is right, I am being too controlling, I should just give up the naptime today” or “I should give up the naptime to prove to Mom that I’m not a control freak!”

But in considering my values, which includes quality family time, I would be able to recognize that a cranky toddler who missed her nap during a day full of people and overstimulation would absolutely not yield quality family time. As a result, setting the boundary and sticking to the scheduled naptime may actually be more in line with my value of quality family time than pleasing my mother and proving that I’m not uptight and controlling. I can sit with the feeling of discomfort that arises knowing my mom may not understand why I’m sticking to my boundary and may continue to perceive me as a control freak, while also acknowledging that by me upholding my boundary, I’m living more in line with my value of quality family time.

By approaching the decision this way, I’m not saying I don’t care what my mom thinks. I may consider skipping the naptime, seeing how my toddler does without it for a day. After all, I value my mom’s input in other areas of parenting. But ultimately, I don’t have to let her perception or opinion of my decision dictate my decision. I can sit with discomfort that she may not agree and still choose what I think is best for our family that day.