I was recently asked about how to discern if a relationship has simply hit a rough patch or if it’s toxic. This is a common discussion I’ve had with numerous clients and friends over the years, and one that I had to wrestle through personally in a past relationship. Let’s break it down:
Any relationship that is physically, sexually, emotionally, and verbally abusive is toxic. This list and its examples are by no means exhaustive. Here are some clear signs a relationship is toxic:
- Physical abuse includes aggressive, unwanted physical touch – grabbing, hitting, shoving, kicking, threatening, etc.
- Sexual abuse includes rape, unwanted sexual touch, threatening, coercing, pursuing sexual acts when consent has been denied or not given, etc., even in the context of a committed relationship.
- Emotional and verbal abuse can be subtle in some cases and more difficult to identify as abuse than physical or sexual abuse. Emotional abuse includes asking you to change your physical appearance, using past hurts that have nothing to do with your partner in arguments, blackmailing, stonewalling (refusing to talk as a means of punishment), etc. Financial abuse could also fall under this category.
- Verbal abuse includes name calling, derogatory tone of voice, refusal to listen, etc
Obviously, no one person is perfect. There will be times in any relationship where someone yells, avoids out of anger, or brings up the past. So, how do we determine when we’re just in a bad spot or in a bad relationship?
One way to tell if a relationship is truly toxic or one that is just going through a rough patch is to look at the type of challenge the you and your partner are facing. If it’s any one form of abuse listed above, it’s safe to say it’s toxic. Not that partners can’t change their abusive behavior, but until they seek intensive treatment for it themselves, the same problems will continue to appear in the relationship, and/or the other partner will continue to walk on eggshells to avoid backlash. A relationship in which one partner feels unable to be truly themselves out of fear of their partner responding in retribution is toxic.
Another way to tell if a relationship is truly toxic or one that is just going through a rough patch is to consider if the toxic behavior is a pattern or just isolated incidents. If it’s isolated incidents, those can be talked through and new habits created. A pattern of toxic behavior may indicate characteristics of a mental health issue, and nothing that you change about yourself will result in a different outcome from your partner (or if your partner backs down for awhile, chances are high that your partner will respond in this problematic way to something else down the road). Also, how does your partner respond to you after you share your feelings about the isolated incident? Are you blamed, put down, mocked, ignored, etc.? Do you notice that your partner not only apologizes, but adjusts their behavior as well? How do you feel bringing up the issue? Many people (myself included) do not feel comfortable with confrontation. However, there is a difference between disliking confrontation and fearing that you will be retaliated against (in any form) for bringing up your concern.
Lack of emotional connection or difficulty communicating are common relationship problems that do not necessarily indicate a toxic relationship, as these issues can typically be resolved with intentional steps. There are great books on these topics, like Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight, and a couples therapist can always help navigate through these issues as well.
If you are in an abusive relationship, if you feel threatened or that your life is in danger, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline today at 1-800-799-7233 for free confidential help, safety planning, and connection to resources.
If you’re still wondering if your rough patch with your partner is a sign of a deeper problem, I highly recommend Dr. John Van Epp’s book, How to Avoid Falling In Love With a Jerk. This book is such a helpful guide for considering various aspects in your dating relationship. I’m a huge fan personally, as it helped open my eyes to an unhealthy relationship I was in years ago, and then served as a guide for when I was dating my now-husband! This book is NOT just for women – men can fall in love with jerky women just like women can fall in love with jerky men. Dr. Van Epp provides examples from both genders, as well as different types of relationship histories, including those never married, divorced, or widowed.
Also – this is VERY early notice, but something I’ll be talking more about in the coming months – I’ll be starting a five week discussion group based on Dr. Van Epp’s book in January 2019! Keep your eyes out for more info in the coming months!
If you’d like to speak more about this topic and don’t want to wait until January, please contact me today at (314) 392-2895 or abundantlifecounselingstl@gmail.com.
