Last month, I started a blog series on vulnerability and its impact on our mental health. In the first blog (which you can access here), we defined vulnerability (as best as one can define this dense topic!), discussed what it looks in everyday life, and how we can own it and engage with it in order to live an abundant life.

To recap, we borrowed from researcher Brené Brown and psychiatrist Dr. Curt Thompson in our attempt to define vulnerability. Brown defines vulnerability as daring “to show up and let ourselves be seen,” despite the fact that this puts us at risk for being wounded. Thompson writes that to be human is to be vulnerable – we don’t have a choice. We all have emotions and feelings – God gave them to us as sources of information in relating to him and to others. In possessing emotions and feelings, we run the risk of experiencing negative emotions and hurt from others. We do have a choice regarding how we deal with emotions, and may employ numerous techniques for avoiding the pain of negative emotions, such as numbing out, blaming others, blaming ourselves, etc. Regardless of whatever technique we use, underneath it all, the original emotion is still there. Thompson explains (in his book, The Soul of Shame) that it comes down to the question, “not if we are or will be vulnerable but rather how and when we enter into it consciously and intentionally for the sake of creating a world of goodness and beauty.”

To summarize: being vulnerable means opening up to all of our emotions, and allowing others to join us in those emotional experiences. This includes the risk of being wounded, since others don’t always respond well to our difficult emotional experiences.

So, the question I raised in my last post was: how could opening ourselves up to the possibility of being wounded possibly create a world of goodness and beauty? In my research, I learned some interesting things about vulnerability’s impact on mental health that helps answer this question.

1. Vulnerability’s impact on perfectionism: When we are open to our imperfections, we actually live our lives, rather than wait until we’re perfect or have it altogether (which are myths we’ve somehow been taught to believe are achievable). In her book, Daring Greatly, Brown writes that when we wait “until we’re perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena, we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable.” She also points out how aiming for perfection causes us to waste our time (see above point about perfectionism being a myth), and “we turn our backs on our gifts, those unique contributions that only we can make. Perfect and bulletproof are seductive, but they don’t exist in the human experience.”
2. Vulnerability’s impact on difficult and desired emotional experiences: Brown conducted a research study in which she identified two ways participants defined the challenge of anxiety. One group named the challenge as “finding ways to manage and soothe the anxiety,” while the other group defined the challenge as “changing behaviors that led to anxiety.” Brown found that the participants in the first group struggled the most with numbing their emotions, explaining that “reducing anxiety meant finding ways to numb it, not changing the thinking, behavior, or emotions that created anxiety.” So basically, they were refusing to let the anxious part of themselves be seen, refusing to show up and care for the anxious part of themselves. The second group managed their anxiety by “aligning their lives with their values and setting boundaries…they didn’t hesitate to connect worthiness with boundaries.” Looking honestly at the difficult parts of our story and the parts of ourselves that are not our favorite is a difficult task. However, refusing to look at these vulnerable parts of ourselves impacts our ability to experience love, belonging, and joy, as these are the experiences that make us the most vulnerable, according to Brown. She writes in her book, The Gifts of Imperfection: “Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
3. Vulnerability’s impact on self-acceptance: We acknowledge the reality of our experience, rather than running from it. According to Brown, studies in the field of health psychology show “that perceived vulnerability, meaning the ability to acknowledge our risks and exposure, greatly increases our chances of adhering to some kind of positive health regimen…the critical issue is not about our actual level of vulnerability, but the level at which we acknowledge our vulnerabilities around a certain illness or threat.” If we accept the fact (hopefully, without judgment or self-contempt) that we need to lose 100 pounds in order to achieve a healthy weight, then we are more likely to take up a healthy diet and exercise regimen. If we refuse to acknowledge that our high weight puts us at risk for heart disease, and continue eating whatever we want and living a lethargic lifestyle, we live with the continual threat of a heart attack.
4. Vulnerability’s impact on our behavior: Avoiding vulnerability typically means sacrificing our values. “When we pretend that we can avoid vulnerability we engage in behaviors that are often inconsistent with who we want to be,” Brown writes. For example, honesty is a value held by most people. If someone asks us to do something that we really don’t want to do, we may make up a little white lie about why we can’t, rather than just telling that person the truth. We fear that telling them the truth will either hurt their feelings or cause them to reject us, both of which lead to shame (feeling badly about ourselves). However, in a mutual, emotionally safe relationship, the hope is that we can be truly, authentically ourselves, and that if we tell a person something that might be hard for them to hear, we will still be accepted and loved for who we are. Thompson points out that we need people around us who will remind us of who we are and that we are loved by God: “relationships that facilitate our hearing more distinctly our Father’s voice of delight.”
5. Vulnerability’s impact on healthy relationships: When we ourselves practice vulnerability, we tend to feel less contemptuous towards others. Brown writes that “when we spend our lives pushing away and protecting ourselves from feeling vulnerable or from being perceived as too emotional, we feel contempt when others are less capable or willing to mask feelings, suck it up, and soldier on.” We’re also able to identify and acknowledge when things seem amiss in our relationships, which helps us make amends. Dr. Thompson uses the example of never confronting difficult topics in a family when he says, “The potential downside to never having anything to do with trouble in your family is the possibility that your family never suspects that trouble ever has anything to do with you.” It’s hard to address conflict and make amends when it’s never discussed or acknowledged! Vulnerability increases our levels of intimacy, both physical and emotional, by combating shame. Brown found that the remedy to combating shame in our relationships is “honest, loving conversations that require major vulnerability. We have to be able to talk about how we feel, what we need and desire, and we have to be able to listen with an open heart and an open mind. There is no intimacy without vulnerability.”
6. Vulnerability’s impact on shame: I saved the best for last! Really, all of the above can fall under the umbrella of shame. Thompson says it clearly when he writes: “The process of being known is necessary for the healing of shame.” Brown writes that shameful experiences and emotions “can’t survive being shared” because shame thrives in secrecy. When something bad happens or we do something bad, and we don’t want anyone to know, which causes us to hide from others. Our shame gets buried, without the ability to receive light from the care, love, and healing of others. Without the ability to receive light, it grows and festers in the darkness of secrecy. Thompson reminds us of the beautiful way in which God sought out Adam and Eve after the Fall, when they were hiding in shame: “God came to find Eve and Adam to provide them the opportunity to be known as he knows anything else. For only in those instances when our shamed parts are known do they stand a chance to be redeemed. We can love God, love ourselves or love others only to the degree that we are known by God and known by others…To be fully loved—and to fully love—requires that we are fully known.”

Vulnerability impacts our mental health in that it combats shame, which allows us to embrace our imperfections, accept ourselves as we are (emotions and all), live according to our values, and establish healthy, authentic relationships. So, what’s going on in our brains when we risk being vulnerable with another person?

Thompson breaks it down for us. When we practice courage by speaking openly about something vulnerable to a person we love and trust, that person’s body softens, perhaps causing them to lean forward, use a kind voice, and have a look of compassion on their face. This sends a signal to our brain that the other person “gets” it, which initiates “a greater level of neural network integration” within us, which lessens anxiety. In addition, we feel less alone in our story, as we are now aware of the other person’s emotional acceptance of what we’re sharing, which brings validation. Thompson writes that as a result of this positive experience, we collect “a new set of memories of what it means to live vulnerably with others,” that we’re okay with sharing this. We have “the opportunity to grow in resilience as [we learn] how to loosen shame’s grip on life by living transparently as often as possible.”

Something happens in our listener’s brain as well. Thompson writes that the listener is “responding to what they are sensing within themselves about their own story, even without their knowing it at first. In this way, we see how telling the truth about our lives…begets movement in those who are listening, evokes curiosity and consideration in others about their own brokenness, helping others knit together different functional parts of their minds and helping them to make sense of things that heretofore have eluded them.”

So, something really magical seems to happen when we embrace our vulnerability. Vulnerability connects us to each other while our brains process and integrate the responses we receive from sharing our story. We’re both processing parts of our stories simultaneously. Thompson sums it up: “when shame is being exposed and healed in the person revealing it, God simultaneously makes possible the healing of shame for all persons intimately participating in that person’s storytelling effort.”

With all of these great benefits on our emotional, mental, and relational health, how can we practice vulnerability so that our lives are transformed? Stay tuned for that post next month!

References

Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly. New York: Avery.

Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection. Center City: Hazelden.

Thompson, C. (2015). The soul of shame. Downers Grove: InterVarsity Press.