I’ve always been a pretty sensitive person. When I say “sensitive,” what I mean is that I’ve always had a pretty strong awareness of how I’m feeling at a particular moment and how another person may be feeling, even if I can’t articulate it. As a result, throughout the course of my life, I’ve picked up on a lot of feelings.

This has been both a blessing and a curse. It has been a blessing to me in my professional relationships and in my personal relationships, alerting me to when something emotional may be happening that needs addressing. I often feel deeply, which can be exhilarating during times of joy, and which can be exhausting in times of difficulty. Over the course of my life, I’ve often coped with this exhaustion and desire to not feel difficult feelings by explaining away or invalidating my own feelings, and/or by judging myself for feeling in a particular way.

I’ve learned that this internal judging of my feelings has led me to making decisions that negatively impact my life and prompt me to turn a blind eye to situations that are harming my well-being, including a few years ago, when I found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship. As difficult and confusing as that experience was, I realized that when I acknowledge my own thoughts and feelings and accept them for what they are, I pave the way to living an authentic life and staying true to my values and the things that really matter to me. These “emotional reality checks” (as I like to refer to them) ultimately bring me to the truth about myself and my experience, allowing me to move through and accept myself and my experiences.

So, what do these emotional reality checks look like? 

First, I have to notice what I’m actually thinking and feeling. I remember being in middle school and learning that one of my friends had invited two of our other friends over for a sleepover, and I was not invited. I remember feeling sad that I had been uninvited, and afraid that maybe my friends were not going to be my friends anymore. I remember thinking that my friends didn’t want to spend time with me. These thoughts and feelings were obviously difficult for me to experience, and I remember coping with them by telling myself, “Oh, she’s not a bad person, so she didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. Therefore, I have no reason to feel sad or afraid that they may no longer be my friends.” Instead of accepting that my feelings were hurt (regardless of my friend’s intent), I moved to reasoning them away so I wouldn’t have to feel them. I criticized myself for having thoughts and feelings that were not in line with my past experience of my friend. 

Noticing thoughts and feelings doesn’t mean we’re assigning blame or intent or rationale – it simply just means noticing them. What is going on inside? In this example, I felt sad and afraid. I remember crying. Instead of criticizing myself for what I was feeling, I could’ve cared for myself in that moment, telling myself: “Julie, it makes sense that you feel sad because you care about your friends and enjoy spending time with them, and you would have enjoyed going to the sleepover.” Full stop. Maybe my friend didn’t intend to hurt my feelings, but that doesn’t matter when we’re noticing. I’ve never once intended to give myself a paper cut, but I sure do notice that pain!

Accepting our difficult feelings doesn’t mean we’re calling them good or allowing ourselves to be recipients of pain if we can help it. Accepting our feelings means acknowledging that they exist and are real without avoiding them or judging ourselves for having them. When we acknowledge these feelings, we can make decisions more in line with what matters to us. By the time I found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship in my late 20s, I had over two decades of experience of explaining away my negative feelings. He said something hurtful to me, I would tell myself that “he didn’t mean it,” and continue in the relationship, only for him to say more hurtful things to me.

Second, I have to watch out for judgments I assign to emotions or for thoughts that I may be tempted to accept as true, but are really judgments. Two clues that we are assigning judgment to thoughts and feelings: 1) assigning a value to thoughts or feelings, such as “good” or “bad” (for example, “feeling angry is bad”); and 2) “should-ing” on yourself, or, “I should be feeling/thinking” or “I shouldn’t be feeling/thinking.” The fact is, we all have thoughts and feelings – they’re a part of who we are as humans, and they provide us with information. We tend to pick up messages that certain thoughts and feelings are “bad” and that we shouldn’t have them. This often leads us to feeling like something is wrong with us, that we need to change something about ourselves, or improve in some way. Loving ourselves includes telling ourselves that what we’re thinking and feeling, we’re thinking and feeling for a reason. We can be curious about those thoughts and feelings, asking ourselves questions, and learning from them. This can help us make decisions about how to address painful or harmful situations, like ending an emotionally abusive relationship or potentially letting our friend know when she’s hurt our feelings.

Third, seeking support can be helpful during these emotional reality checks. Sometimes, we can tune in to ourselves and figure this out on our own, and sometimes it may require assistance from a trusted loved one or professional. Turning towards others in our time of need can provide us with validation, support, and the knowledge that we’re not alone in feeling difficult feelings.

Positive affirmations, self-care, and other methods are useful in practicing self-love. However, learning to notice our thoughts and feelings and accepting them for what they are acknowledges the value of our whole person – even the painful parts that we often wish weren’t there. If you’d like to talk more about how to love yourself through accepting the full range of your emotions, I’d love to chat! You can contact me at (314) 392-2895.