My idea of an ideal evening?
Good food, good friends, and good conversation.
I’ve noticed that I feel most myself and most energized in these settings. There’s a reason for that – and it’s not just because I’m an extrovert on the Myers-Briggs! I’ve had conversations with clients and friends–who are introverted–about our longing as humans to have meaningful relationships with other people. When we feel separated or isolated from those we have relationships with or when we feel like we lack connections in general, we often feel something profound missing from our lives.
It makes sense – both our longing for deep connection and our struggle when we feel disconnected. We’re created to be social and relational beings.
In her book, “Attachment Theory in Practice,” therapist Sue Johnson states: “We are first and foremost a social, relational, and bonding species.” Research has shown that our need for connection with others shapes our “neural architecture,” how we respond to stress and our emotions in our everyday lives, as well as how we respond to the “interpersonal dramas and dilemmas” throughout the course of our lives (Johnson, p. 5).
At the very outset of the Bible, it’s clear that God created us to be in relationships with other people. In Genesis 1:26, He says, “Let us make man in our image,” referring to the Holy Trinity. Part of how we as humans reflect this image is by having relationships with others, just as the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit have a relationship with each other. Later, in Genesis 2:18, God says that “it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” As a result of creating a helper for the man, God instructs mankind in Genesis 2:24 that “a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
So, what do we mean by “emotional connection”? Emotional connection happens at a point in time when one person risks being vulnerable with someone and in turn, experiences validation and acceptance from another. For example, I tell my husband about something I’m afraid of, and he listens to me and responds to me in a way that lets me know he’s heard what I’m saying, and offers me support without trying to change or “fix” my feeling. (I wrote a blog on the healing power of validation which you can read here).
Over time, as we have consistent experiences with this person in which our feelings, experiences, and needs for connection are met, we form a secure attachment to this person. Each time I go to my husband with a fear or difficult emotion and he responds in a validating and accepting manner, my trust that I can go to him for emotional support grows. In secure attachments, a sense of trust and knowledge forms, in that both partners trust the relationship to survive talking through hurt and repairing any wounds that may threaten to harm or destroy the relationship. These secure relationships also have an impact on our mental health, including depression and anxiety.
Research on attachment tells us that reliable physical and/or emotional connection with someone we are bonded with calms our nervous system. Our minds develop a physical and mental picture of this “safe haven” where we know we can reliably turn to for comfort and reassurance. This helps to restore and enhance our emotional balance (p. 7). In the example of going to my husband with my fear, after sharing my fears with him and experiencing his validating responses in the past, and as a result of our secure attachment, my mind has a picture of him as a place of safety. Having this picture of him and knowing that I have a place of safety helps to calm my fear before I even share it with him.
These supportive relationships serve as an important resource to us, as they offer feedback and maintain consistency and predictability in the relationship, which helps us to develop a positive and coherent sense of ourselves (p. 13). They also help us in confidently encountering the unknown, which helps us grow and increase our resilience to life’s inevitable changes and stressors (p. 14). I think of the phrase, “You can’t go home again.” I remember when I got my first full-time job fresh out of graduate school. I was so excited to move into my first apartment, but I was also terrified of the financial responsibility I was undertaking. It also officially marked the end of my physical dependency on my parents. While my parents were never pushovers, and encouraged my siblings and I to get jobs and support ourselves, I was secure enough in my relationship with them that if I needed advice or assistance, I knew they would be available to help me get back on track. This made moving out feel less intimidating.
Besides calming our nervous system and providing us with a resource to face the unknown, what other benefits come from emotional connections with others? Johnson writes that secure attachments are “linked to almost every positive index of mental health and general well-being.” For example, secure attachments have been linked to resilience in the face of stress, optimism, high self-esteem, a sense of belonging, and the ability to self-disclose and be assertive, as well as the ability to tolerate ambiguity, regulate difficult emotions, and experience empathy for others (p. 10). Just to name a few!
Secure attachments have also been linked to the ability to pay attention to and stay engaged with distressing emotions “without fear of losing control or being overwhelmed.” As a result, people who are able to pay attention to these negative emotions don’t need to try to change them, suppress them, or ignore them. Instead, they can use them to adaptively orient themselves to what is going on inside and use this as information to live lives in line with their values, goals, and needs (p. 11).
In this day and age of social media, forming emotional connections can seem tricky. Think about it – the friend you haven’t seen in a little while posts pictures of her growing family on Facebook daily, and you feel as if you know exactly what’s going on in her life. Why the need to catch up? She may be struggling with anxiety or a difficult marriage, but we would have no way of knowing that (unless she’s one of those classic overshare-rs)! While I think Facebook can be a great tool for connecting with others (even emotionally), I find it often requires a little extra work. We don’t always think to ask beyond what we see on Facebook because we perceive what we see on Facebook to be the whole story. Deepening our connections with these friends takes intentionality – asking about life beyond Facebook, in a context where we feel free and safe to open up and be ourselves without the rest of the world watching and able to comment.
We deepen our emotional connections through vulnerability. What is vulnerability? It’s showing up, the real you, and letting yourself be seen by another. It’s important to be safe when practicing vulnerability – you probably don’t want to tell your deepest, darkest secrets to someone you’ve known for a week or to someone who has consistently responded in hurtful ways in the past. Consider pacing your level of sharing with the speed the relationship is progressing. For example, have you gone out for coffee with that new friend from the gym a few times now? Have you observed qualities about her that you think might make her a safe person to open up to about a particular challenge you’re facing? Dip your toe in the water, sharing what you feel comfortable sharing and see how she responds. Observing others’ responses will help you assess whether or not they are someone you could risk sharing more with in the future. Reciprocity is also an important factor. Do they risk opening up and sharing with you? Not only are they communicating that they have placed some level of trust in you and your relationship, but mutual sharing reminds us of our common humanity, that we all struggle, and that we’re all in this thing called life together.
I have a series of blog posts about vulnerability, if you’re interested in reading more!
Vulnerability: How Does It Impact Our Mental Health?
Vulnerability: How to Practice It
If you’d like support in developing and/or deepening your emotional connections with others, I’d love to walk with you on your journey! Give me a call today at (314) 392-2895.
References
Johnson, S. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. New York: The Guilford Press.
