I’ve never been big on Valentine’s Day.
(You’re probably wondering why I’m writing about Valentine’s Day in the summertime, but hang with me…I promise I have a point!)
Even when I was dating someone in the month of February, I always felt the sentiment of the holiday to feel a bit…forced. I felt I had to be excited and all into it because I was in a relationship and that’s just what you were supposed to do if you were in a relationship on Valentine’s Day.
It wasn’t until Valentine’s Day of 2014 that my perspective began to change. I was single, as were a lot of my friends at the time. My friend, Stephanie, loves Valentine’s Day, which at the time, I did not understand why. After all, we were all single!
Stephanie decided to host a big party for our single friends. Over a dozen girls gathered in her apartment to enjoy cocktails, appetizers, and a homemade photo booth, complete with props for taking selfies. We went out for a delicious steak dinner, and then a handful of us continued the night by going to some horribly cheesy romcom that I can’t even remember the name of now.
This night is a cherished memory for me. There was no “man bashing,” no acknowledgment of “Singles Awareness Day.” Instead, it was a celebration of friendship. A celebration of the love, support, and fun we shared with each other. A celebration of women walking alongside of each other, sharing joys and hardships, laughter and tears.
I always knew I valued my friendships and that they were important to me. But until this night, I’m not sure I had ever thought about celebrating these friendships – not only because they brought me joy, but because they are important.
Even though I’m married now, and my husband is my absolute best friend, who knows everything about me (both good and bad), who is the first person I go to when something big happens (both good and bad), who I want to share all my big moments with (both good and bad), I know I need my female friendships too. My husband is the most loving, supportive, patient man I know (he must be to put up with me!), and our marriage is the primary relationship in my life. At the same time, I know that he cannot be “all things” to me. And neither can my girlfriends – only God can fill that role. At the same time, I know that my friends can offer another perspective, can help carry the weight of my difficult times, can pray for me, encourage me, and hold me accountable (especially when it comes to being a loving wife!). My friends help keep me grounded, and help focus my attention outside of myself when I’m becoming too insular, while also pointing me back to myself when I may be avoiding difficult things.
Figuring out friendship after marriage has been an interesting challenge for me that I hadn’t really thought about prior to marriage. It’s required me to be more intentional about sharing my heart with my friends, since I now live with my best friend who I share my life with every single day. It’s required intentional planning to spend time with them. Whereas when I was single and my last-minute plans didn’t affect anyone but myself, I now have another person to think about before agreeing to an impromptu happy hour. Something that has worked well for my husband and I is discussing our schedules, including when we plan to spend time together and when we’d like to schedule something with our respective friends. It’s also been really fun to spend time with other couples we enjoy and those who we’d like to get to know better.
In my work with clients and in discussions with other friends, I’ve learned that I’m not the only one navigating the challenge of maintaining and deepening female friendships after marriage. For some, initiating spending time with friends could seem daunting, especially if it’s been a while since they’ve spent time with others outside of their relationship. There may be a degree of shame over letting friendships go. Addressing this shame can help reconnect with friends we’ve lost touch with. It can also help with addressing any hurt feelings our friends may be holding over our withdrawal from the friendship. It’s not uncommon for unaddressed shame to present itself as defensiveness, which could make the process of resurrecting a friendship even more challenging.
One of life’s harsh realities is that there are only so many hours in a day, and for a lot of us, those hours are filled. It doesn’t mean we can’t get creative in making time for reconnecting with friends. Consider the friends you miss the most or those most important to you that you haven’t seen in a while. Is there something you can do where you can talk and catch up, but isn’t a huge time commitment? Are they free for coffee or a walk? If no one comes to mind, or if you’re in a new city, consider asking the co-worker you spend a lot of time chatting with at work to grab lunch or the person you’ve spoken with at the gym to grab an after-work out smoothie. Getting together with someone outside of your usual context can take your friendship to a new level.
Three months after this Valentine’s Day celebration, I met my now-husband. Not only did Valentine’s Day 2014 teach me the value of celebrating friendship, it changed my perspective of Valentine’s Day. Instead of some cheesy, forced holiday created by Hallmark to make money, I now see it as a chance to celebrate the man who walks alongside of me and loves me every day, as well as the women who offer me encouragement and support on the regular.
By no means do I have all the answers or the balance between marriage and friendship worked out. But if you’d like to chat further about having friends outside of your relationship, I’d be happy to walk this road together! Give me a call at (314) 392-2895.
