I was recently asked how one knows when they’re ready to start dating again after they’ve been divorced.

The answer can frustrate folks, in that there is no formulaic answer – it really does depend on the individual and the circumstance. 

I don’t know about you, but I like formulaic answers. They tend to give me a feeling of some kind of certainty – that if I do this, then this will happen. In the question of how to know when you’re ready to start dating after divorce, the desire for certainty may be more poignant, as we long for some kind of certainty that we won’t be hurt or blindsided in another relationship. This can make our desire to know that we’re “ready” a driving point in our decision as to whether or not to re-enter the dating field.

While there is no formula for determining if we’re ready to start dating again, there are some observations we can make about ourselves. First, have we grieved? While the sting of divorce may always linger, it’s important to give yourself time to grieve and cope with the emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, and financial ramifications of the divorce. Have we allowed ourselves to experience our full range of emotions regarding our divorce? Or have we stuffed them down, avoiding and ignoring them? Avoiding and ignoring can often lead to one of two extremes: either rushing too fast into a new relationship to replace the one that we’ve lost; or completely closing ourselves off to receiving love again. Allowing ourselves to grieve the loss of a marriage can free our emotional energy to invest in a new relationship at a healthy pace.

Second, are we prepared for the possibility of these emotions reappearing in the context of a new relationship? It’s not uncommon for the grief and residual feelings from the divorce to reappear, particularly in the context of a new relationship when you’re building trust. The fact that these feelings reappear doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not ready to date again, but it is important to acknowledge them. Knowing yourself, allowing yourself to experience your full range of emotions regarding the divorce, and finding ways to cope and care for yourself will prepare you to start dating again. The time it takes to process and work through these ramifications of divorce—again—varies person to person.

Perhaps you’re separated from your spouse, with the intention of divorcing them, but the divorce is not official yet. What are some of the pros and cons of starting to date someone new when one or both people are separated but not yet legally divorced?

If you’ve been separated for several years and just delaying the divorce process due to financial reasons or other circumstances, but you’ve processed the ramifications of the divorce, the transition between dating while separated to dating while divorced may not feel like a big one. That being said, if you start dating while separated and decide to get married to your new partner, you may have to wait longer than you’d like to enter the new marriage if you’re still waiting on your divorce. I’ve known couples who’s divorce proceedings have been more difficult and lengthier due to one of the partners dating before the divorce was finalized, so there may be legal ramifications to dating before divorced. It’s also important to consider the original reason for the separation. If it was to take a break with the possibility of reconciliation, dating other people will throw a big wrench in that plan. Again, it’s really important to allow yourself to experience your full range of emotions regarding the divorce, and finding ways to cope and care for yourself during the divorce. Dating another person could help you in doing this and offer support, but it could also cause you to avoid the difficult feelings and skip right over the processing part into a new relationship. When we’re especially vulnerable, as in going through a divorce, we are more likely to enter into relationships with folks who we wouldn’t normally enter into relationships with, for reasons such as feeling lonely, needing comfort, craving affirmation, etc.

In order to achieve emotional healing after divorce, it’s extremely important to be open to your feelings and allow yourself to experience the full range of emotions, even if they seem completely contrary (for example: feeling relieved that the fighting is over and sad that the person who was once the love of your life is no longer). When we’re mindful of ourselves and what’s going on within us, we can make more accurate decisions that are in line with our most important values because we have accurate information regarding what is going on and what we are experiencing in the present.

If you’re interested in dating post-divorce, I encourage you to check out the group we’ll be starting in September. This group is specifically for women who’ve been through a divorce and would like to start dating again. You can read more about the group here. You can also contact me directly at abundantlifecounselingstl@gmail.com or (314) 392-2895.

Dating after a divorce can feel overwhelming and scary. The good news is that there are tools to support you on your journey to finding lasting love! Contact me today about this exciting journey starting in September!