I hate confrontation.

As a lifelong people-pleaser, anytime an issue arises that forces me to have what I perceive to be a difficult conversation with someone, I notice my heart rate instantly speed up and my palms get sweaty. This happens even with the people who are closest to me, and who I know are safe to share my feelings with.

For example, anytime I need to have a difficult conversation with my husband, no matter how “small” the issue may be, I can almost guarantee you that I will be crying. Not like, a couple of tears trickling down my cheek – like, full on weeping. One time when we first married, I had just finished sharing something that had bothered me, and I was sobbing. My husband kindly responded and validated me, and then paused, and looked at me and asked, “So…is that it?” My response of weeping over the small, now-insignificant issue surprised him in that there was not more on my mind than what I had just shared with him.

My weeping was most definitely more about my fear and extreme discomfort over having this conversation than the incident that prompted the conversation in the first place.

So, what was the reason for my disproportionate response? I believe it was the expectations and beliefs I held about confrontation that were impacting how I communicated my feelings to my husband…and the intense anxiety that went along with it.

A lot of the ways we learn about conflict and feelings in general come from our families of origin. How did your family handle conflict? What did your family do with difficult feelings? This often shapes our view of conflict and how we respond—or don’t respond—to it. 

I was blessed to grow up with parents who loved each other. While I know they had disagreements and arguments, I can’t remember a single time I heard them fight. I appreciated that they kept their “business” between the two of them, and didn’t hash it out in front of my sisters and me. However, as a weird (and unintended, on their part) result, I think I internalized a great deal of anxiety about conflict. Since I didn’t “see” it, it wasn’t a part of normal, everyday life. Any aberration that I saw apart from their mostly peaceful relationship felt extra scary and threatening. The belief I internalized was: any detour from the peaceful norm, no matter how small, is scary and dangerous.

Enter uncontrollable weeping when having a difficult conversation!

There are a lot of ways we may approach confrontation. There’s my way: weeping. There’s timidity, where we may hedge our approach to a confrontation with something like, “I’m not mad, but…” or “I know you probably didn’t mean this, but…”, out of fear of how the other person may respond. If we’re timid confronters, we probably have really strong feelings if we’re at the point where we feel like we need to bring up what’s bothering us! Then there’s a more defensive style, where we’re on the lookout for an attack from the person we’re confronting. This can pull our minds away from what is actually being said – instead of hearing and trying to truly understand what the other person is sharing, we hear only the items of perceived attack that we feel we need to respond to. And then, of course, there’s the offensive style, which would include going on the attack – less of a conversation and more of us venting our feelings about the other person to the other person.

I think we can approach confrontation in a mindfully assertive way. This can be challenging for all types of confronters! I think if we recognize that arguments are a normal, natural part of life, then we can also recognize that when we’re confronting another person, it does not necessarily mean that our relationship with that person is over or that the other person sees us as “bad.” If we’re aware of this fact and mindful of what is going on inside of us during the course of the argument, we can learn to respond in a productive way, one in which we state our needs and feelings, and engage with the other person to find a compromise or solution, if possible.

So, how can we be mindful during conflict? First, we can pay attention to what is happening inside of our bodies during an argument or difficult conversation. Is your heart racing? Do you feel sick to your stomach? Notice those sensations and, instead of trying to push them away or ignore them, allow them to be present by taking a few deep breaths or resting your hand on the part of your body where you feel this sensation the most. This conversation is hard, so it makes sense that these sensations are showing up! We can show ourselves some compassion in the moment! Second, we can pay attention to what our brains are telling us in these difficult moments. Is your brain telling you that you’re an awful person because of the argument? Is your brain telling you that it’s completely the other person’s fault? Notice these thoughts as just being thoughts. This can help you put some space in between what your brain is telling you (which may cause your body to want to defend or shut down or avoid) and what the person you’re speaking with is actually saying. It’s amazing how our brain can put its own spin on what others are saying, even when that’s not actually what they’re saying!

Being mindful of our thoughts and sensations help keep us grounded in the present moment. This provides us with more accurate information as to what’s actually going on versus what we might think or be afraid is going on. For example, grounding myself in the here and now (noticing the stream of water falling down my face) helps me notice what my brain is telling me (my husband is going to leave me), which I can accept as my brain on high-alert, due to my internalized belief that anything outside of the peaceful norm = danger. Being mindful of these things instead helps me to focus on what my husband is actually saying.

If you need a break to collect yourself and/or your thoughts, take a break! Let the person know that this conversation is important to you, and that you need to collect your thoughts. Be sure to schedule a time to return to the conversation later to wrap up the conversation in order to avoid any resentment creeping in!

What does assertiveness look like? One of my favorite formulas for sharing difficult thoughts and feelings comes from a model called Nonviolent Communication based on the work of Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg. This model provides a formula that includes stating observations, feelings, needs, and requests. It looks like this:

When ___________, I feel/felt _____________. I need ____________. Would you be willing to____________?

An example might look like this: When you were late for our dinner date, I felt frustrated. I need communication from you when you are running late. Would you be willing to text me when you’re on your way next time?

(Side note: the website linked above has a great list of feelings and needs if you have trouble finding your own words!)

The key is to be short and to the point – state the situation, then how you felt. Stating your need and then a specific request is a great way to see if your partner is willing to agree to your request, or at the very least, discuss a compromise that does not invalidate your feelings and that meets your need. If your partner is dismissive, invalidating, or refuses to compromise, you can implement a boundary by telling them what you will do if this happens again in the future. Using our example above: If you are late for our dinner date again, I will leave the restaurant to meet my need for respect.

Again, this is hard! Especially for those of us who are non-confrontational people-pleasers! It’s important to give ourselves grace as we practice these new skills and honor our difficult feelings. Think about if you started a new weight-training program at the gym – all the weight lifting might hurt at the beginning, but over time, as you strengthen your muscles, it becomes less painful. Confrontation is the same. It may hurt in the beginning, you may fumble your words or make mistakes, but as you use your confrontation muscle, it strengthens.

If you’d like a “personal trainer” as you build these muscles (forgive my corny joke that I’m actually kinda proud of!), I’d be happy to speak with you about how I might support you! Give me a call at (314) 392-2895.