When I was in third grade, I had a friend who I’ll call Sally. I haven’t spoken to this person in over 25 years—we’re not even friends on Facebook—but I can remember her face, and more significantly, how our friendship made me feel.
I met Sally at school, and we lived close enough to each other that we could walk to each other’s houses. She had the coolest room, her house always had the best junk food, and we bonded over our mutual affinity for the Babysitter Club books. We were in the same Girl Scout troop and played with the same girls every day at recess.
As I spent more time with Sally, I realized I was spending less time with my other friends. When I’d suggest we invite other friends over to play, Sally didn’t want to. In fact, she stopped wanting to play with them at recess. When I would join our usual group of friends, I’d see Sally sitting off by herself, with a sad look on her face. I’d encourage her to join us, but she’d say she didn’t want to, and then would ask me to play something entirely separate. Hating confrontation as I do and not wanting to feel guilty about leaving her to play by herself, I’d agree. Again, when I’d try to convince Sally to rejoin our mutual group of friends, she’d tell me I liked them better than her and that no one liked her. This happened repeatedly, until Sally and I were playing by ourselves at recess, completely separate from our other friends.
As a nine-year-old, I had trouble pinpointing what was going on – namely, that Sally was using manipulation to isolate me from my other friends. My mom, however, picked up on it, when she noticed my frequent sullen moods, which were out of character for my energetic self. She eventually started limiting the time I could spend with Sally, which ended up being exactly what I needed. When Sally realized I was no longer available at her beck and call, she promptly found another friend who was.
You may have heard people and/or relationships referred to as “toxic.” What does that mean exactly, and what makes a friendship toxic? How do we know when we’re in a toxic friendship, or just friends with a really difficult person?
The dictionary defines the word “toxic” as: “poisonous”; “relating to or caused by poison”; and “very bad, unpleasant, or harmful.” I’m guessing all of us will have a relationship with a difficult person at some point in our lives, whether it’s a relative, co-worker, boss, or friend. When these relationships become so difficult that they are harming us (physically or emotionally) or “poisoning” some other aspect of our lives (our emotional states, our relationships with others, etc.), it’s worth considering if the relationship we’re in is detrimental to our overall well-being, rather than us just putting up with a difficult person.
What are some signs of a toxic friendship? The following list is by no means exhaustive, and it’s always important to remember that if a friendship, or any kind of relationship, ever becomes physically aggressive, that you seek safety immediately, either by calling 911 or the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
One sign that you might be in a toxic friendship is if you find an imbalance in the relationship. When you’re with a friend, do you find they spend all the time talking about themselves? I have a client who had a friend ask her about her recent vacation, only to interrupt with details about her own vacation, never allowing my client to share. There may also be an imbalance in effort. Perhaps you find yourself always reaching out to your friend, making the initiative to put coffee on the calendar, without your friend ever reciprocating in initiating the effort. There may also be an imbalance in help and support. Maybe you’re always there for your friend as a shoulder to cry on, but when you reach out to her in your time of need, she’s consistently too busy to listen.
Another sign of a toxic friendship is one in which you find your feelings being consistently invalidated. Invalidation can take a variety of forms, but it may look like denying your feelings (“Come on, it wasn’t that big of a deal…”), judging you for your feelings (“You’re being too sensitive, you shouldn’t be mad about that”), or punishing you for having certain feelings or making certain decisions. This could look something like stonewalling, or shutting you out completely, until the friend feels you’ve “suffered” long enough for whatever you did or felt…or until they miss having the opportunity to manipulate you or want to play the “bigger person” by forgiving you and moving on.
A third sign of a toxic friendship is any friendship in which manipulation is involved. Some ways to know your friend may be trying to manipulate you: guilt tripping, shaming, placing all of the blame on you, and trying to isolate you from others. While it’s infuriating when we notice someone trying to manipulate us, the great news is that we don’t have to give into their manipulation! If you’re unsure of whether your friend is manipulating you, or if you’re just feeling guilty for some other reason, you can always ask to pause the conversation until you have a better understanding of what’s going on and how you feel.
So, if you find yourself wondering if you’re in a toxic friendship, you may be wondering what to do next. In my last blog post about confrontation, I shared a method called Non-Violent Communication by Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg that can be used to express difficult thoughts and feelings. This model provides a formula that includes stating observations, feelings, needs, and requests. It looks like this:
When ___________, I feel/felt _____________. I need ____________. Would you be willing to____________?
An example might look like this: When you were late for our dinner date, I felt frustrated. I need communication from you when you are running late. Would you be willing to text me when you’re on your way next time?
One of the great things about this formula is that, by stating your need and a specific request, you can see if your friend is willing to agree to your request, or at the very least, discuss a compromise that does not invalidate your feelings and that meets your need. If so, great! If not, you may try setting an explicit boundary with the friend. Tell them what you will do if this problematic behavior continues in the future. For example: If you are late to our dinner date without texting first again, then I will leave the restaurant to meet my need for respect and time-efficiency. Again, how a person responds to your boundaries will speak volumes about their ability to attune to your feelings and needs. Keep in mind that, when we establish and enforce boundaries, there is often push back from the other person. They may protest your boundary at first, but if they follow through with your boundary, this may still be a sign that they’re able to attune to what you feel and need. Just be prepared for the possibility of protest and develop a plan for how you will care for yourself if and when this happens.
If you notice the friendship taking a toll on any part of your health (physical, mental, spiritual) or other relationships (marriage, family, other friendships), it’s worth considering taking a step back from the friendship. Maybe it means saying goodbye to your friend forever or maybe it means just taking a break for a short period of time. Communicating with them something like, “Hey, I’m going through some things right now, and don’t feel I can be the type of friend you need at the moment. I’ll be out of touch until I feel I can fully re-engage in this friendship.” That’s not something we often say to our friends, so there may be some confusion or push-back. Taking responsibility for how you’re feeling in the moment can serve to ease defensiveness.
Before completely cutting ties with your friend, consider the boundaries you have in place, if and how much you’re enforcing these boundaries, how they’re working, and if there are other boundaries you can set in place with this friend. Seek support from others who know you well and who you trust. That way, you can rely on them when you need to enforce boundaries and are having a difficult time. Again, any kind of physical violence or threat of physical violence is ALWAYS a reason to cut ties!
Ending any kind of relationship, no matter how much the relationship is hurting us, can be difficult, especially if we’re people-pleasers or non-confrontational. However, we can face our difficult feelings regarding ending a toxic friendship instead of holding on to a relationship that is bringing us harm. As human beings created in God’s image, we are ALL to be treated with respect and kindness. If you’re struggling to believe this, or would like additional support in setting boundaries with toxic friends, give me a call at (314) 392-2895.
