Ahh, anxiety. The little devil on our shoulder that can show up when we least expect it, even when nothing in our lives seems to warrant it. It’s that pesky pest, that vengeful monster, that taunts us and tells us something is wrong and that we should be very, very afraid. It can give us all sorts of reasons as to why it’s right and why we should do everything it tells us to do, or the consequences will be dire. Whether anxiety is something we’ve only encountered a few times in our lives, or whether it’s something that seems to show up unwelcome every day, we all have ways of coping with anxiety, whether we’re conscious of those coping skills or not.
The question is: are these coping skills helping or hindering us in our effort to live abundant lives even when anxiety creeps in and threatens to steal our joy?
One way we often cope with anxiety is by simply avoiding it. We may be able to distract ourselves temporarily, and convince ourselves that if we bury it long enough, it will go away. But it’s important to remember that the feelings of fear and anxiety (just like sadness, happiness, anger, excitement, etc.) are a part of the human experience. They will reappear at some point in our lives, no matter how long we try to avoid them. This doesn’t mean we’re doing anything “wrong,” or that we’re weak – it means we’re human.
The cost of avoiding any difficult emotion is that we tend to avoid the positive emotions too. If we allow ourselves to experience pleasure or excitement or hope, while prohibiting ourselves from experiencing anxiety, our anxiety will likely creep into our lives when we’re experiencing happiness, and tell our happiness to tone it down, out of fear that something bad will happen and the happiness will go away. Why enjoy this positive emotion if you might have to go through the grief of it leaving later on? I think of some of my friends and clients who’ve had babies, who were elated to learn they were pregnant, as well as fearful that something may happen to the baby during the pregnancy. While it may seem difficult and counterintuitive, two completely different and seemingly opposite feelings can be held at once – we can be both overjoyed and afraid. When you think about it, it makes sense. We have something that makes us so happy, that we’ve longed for, and there is a chance we could lose it. Who wouldn’t be terrified of that?! Especially if we’ve experienced significant loss in the past.
Another way we often cope with anxiety is by trying to solve or “fix” it. This can take a variety of forms, including some that may look like avoidance. For example, isolating ourselves (either physically or by keeping people from getting too close to us emotionally) can be one method in which we actively try to prevent the anxiety that comes from the possibility of being rejected or ridiculed by others. We may try controlling everything in our environment though OCD-type behaviors, like obsessively checking to make sure doors are locked, stoves are off, etc. We may even try to control other people through means such as people-pleasing, or being all things to all people so that they’re never upset with us. These are just a few examples of ways we might try to “solve” our anxiety by preventing it in the first place. Like avoidance, trying to control or solve is also fruitless because, again, difficult emotions are a part of the human experience and will show up in our lives, no matter the extent of the measures we take to avoid that from happening. Trying to control outcomes to avoid anxiety is a lose-lose situation because ultimately, we cannot control every outcome and by trying to do so takes us away from the present moment and from what’s really important to us. Not to mention, it can have ramifications on our most important relationships, sometimes causing the very outcomes we fear and are trying to avoid in the first place.
So. Perhaps you’re feeling discouraged (and anxious!) at this point because avoidance and solving have been your go-to methods of coping with anxiety up until this point. And if that’s the case, then I want to take this moment to encourage you to show yourself kindness and compassion regarding these survival strategies you’ve used all these years! Our brains are built to solve problems, and sometimes they solve problems in ways that work temporarily, but not in the long-run. Take this moment for thanking your brain for fulfilling its function of helping you cope!
Have you done that? Ok, great! Now, let’s talk about some ways to cope with anxiety that seem counterintuitive, but may be helpful in the long-run, especially as we consider that difficult emotions are a part of every human’s experience and will show up for all of us.
You’ve heard me talk about Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (or ACT), a form of therapy that I use in my practice. In ACT, we practice allowing our negative thoughts and feelings to be present, rather than avoid or try to solve them – which is counterintuitive for most people, including a lot of therapists! We allow negative thoughts and feelings to be present so that we have more energy at our disposal to do what is important to us despite feeling anxious, depressed, etc. Allowing these feelings to be present doesn’t mean we like them or desire them – it means acknowledging the reality and the presence of these thoughts and feelings, making room for them, rather than actively pushing them away. When we avoid or try to “fix” negative thoughts and feelings, we often expend so much energy pushing them away, that we lack energy for the things that are most important to us. We also engage in some of the avoidance and solving behaviors (see above!) that end up costing us so much more than we’re willing to pay for temporary relief.
This can seem scary, especially if we’re afraid that the depth of our difficult thoughts and feelings will completely overwhelm us. And that makes sense. The hard truth is that those difficult thoughts and feelings are there beneath the surface, whether we acknowledge them or not. When we notice ourselves begin to feel overwhelmed, we can focus on our breathing, counting in for four counts and out for four counts, without trying to stop our thoughts and feelings from flowing. When we notice our minds wandering, we can bring our attention back to our breath. Alternatives to this would be noticing your feet grounded flat on the floor, or your back against your chair. We’re not stopping the difficult thoughts and feelings from coming or trying to solve them, we’re simply noticing that they’re there, while also noticing our bodies in the present moment. Paying attention to our breathing and our bodies in the moment can keep us grounded in the present, especially when anxiety tries to reel us in by reminding us of things that have happened in the past or by foretelling what could happen in the future.
In allowing our anxiety to be present, we can identify where we feel it in our bodies. We can pretend to be curious scientists who’ve never encountered these sensations before, and explore them fully. Does that knot in your neck or the pit in your stomach have a shape, color, or temperature? Is it some kind of object? Can you imagine creating space around it or breathing directly into it?
In terms of anxious thoughts, instead of trying to stop them, we can practice allowing them to come and go. In ACT, we talk about imagining your thoughts as cars passing by, or leaves on a stream, floating by you. Anxious thoughts can certainly cause distress, but by seeing them as what they are—just thoughts—we can choose a more meaningful course of action, rather than get caught up in what our thoughts may be demanding of us. Also, have you ever tried to stop yourself from having a thought? If you’re like me, when I try to stop myself from thinking something, I usually end up thinking it more!
I think a lot of our understanding of how to calm anxiety is shaped by how we were taught to cope with difficult emotions as children. Were we told to “just get over it” or “it’s not that big of a deal”? Messages like these invalidates our feelings and can cause feelings of shame for feeling them in the first place, which influences our efforts to avoid difficult thoughts and feelings. By being kind to ourselves in those difficult moments (“This feels really difficult for me right now”) and by remembering that difficult emotions are a part of every human’s experience on this planet, we don’t have to give in to the messages that anxiety is weakness. Instead, we can allow our anxiety to be present, while making choices that are in line with our values, and living full lives even in the midst of difficulty.
If you’d like more information on ACT or how to cope with that anxious monster on your shoulder, I’d love to chat! You can reach me at (314) 392-2895.
