“The fear of rejection is worse than rejection itself.” – Nora Profit

Oh my goodness, can anyone else relate to this quote?!

How much of our anxiety is centered around being rejected in some way, shape, or form by others? How much do we change ourselves, how we live, and how we relate to others to avoid experiencing this fear?

I think it’s important to remember that the fear of rejection is universal – we all fear it. Even those who seem to have their lives perfectly put together. Even those who come across as not giving a bleep about what anyone else thinks of them. We all fear it.

We fear it because we’re made to be in relationships with other human beings, and any time we interact with another human being, we risk that they may not like us, approve of us, or that they may reject us. Even if we do everything possible in our power to avoid any one of these outcomes, it could still happen. 

What are some common ways in which we may find ourselves coping with this fear?

One way is social isolation. We may avoid social situations and other relationships for fear of rejection, even if what we strongly desire is to be in relationship. While we may feel a sense of comfort being all alone because then we aren’t risking the possibility of rejection, we are ultimately fooling ourselves if we believe that we can control our ability to allow what or who does or doesn’t hurt us. That’s the funny thing about emotions – we can acknowledge and cope with them, but we can’t predict, stop, or control when and how they creep in. When we isolate, we fear anything that threatens to penetrate our constructed sense of safety, even if it’s something we really want, like a close friendship. We may be avoiding the possibility of feeling rejected, but we put ourselves at risk for a lifetime of loneliness and depression.

Another way in which we may cope with the fear of rejection is adaptation. This is a common one I see in my practice, and also the coping strategy I’ve used the most myself in the past! Adaptation includes trying to be all things to all people – molding ourselves, who we are and what we do, to fit what we think others want or expect from us in order to avoid experiencing their rejection. As a result, we sacrifice authentic relationships and truly being known by other people. We tend to lack healthy boundaries when we adapt to avoid rejection. And again, while we may reduce the chances of being rejected, we increase our chances of feeling lonely if we are not truly known by other people.

A third way in which we may cope with fear of rejection is by building walls, the exact opposite end of the spectrum from adaptation, and similar to isolation in a lot of ways! When we build walls, we don’t avoid others, but we erect barriers to keep others from getting too close. We use a variety of strategies to push others away when they do start to get close, like stonewalling, self-sabotaging, getting mean, etc. As a result, our relationships are inauthentic and probably temporary. We may believe we’re reducing our risk of rejection, but we are actually increasing our risk of loneliness and resentment. Like isolation and adaptation, we falsely believe that we can control our ability to allow what or who does or doesn’t hurt us.

Is there a less destructive path forward? I believe there is.

I believe it can be helpful to consider our own stories of rejection. This can be painful and our brains can put up all sorts of fights to prevent us from feeling the pain that we’ve tried so hard to avoid for so long. That’s why processing with a therapist or mentor may be a great idea for a lot of folks. But some basic questions to consider when thinking about your story of rejection:

• Did you experience rejection from a significant other in your life? From family members or friends?
• Thinking through those experiences, what are the emotions that come up for you? What thoughts come into your mind?
• What messages about who you are, your worth and value as a human being, did you take away from those experiences?
• What messages about relationships in general did you receive?

Now, imagine yourself in those moments of rejection – can you show that version of yourself compassion? This may look like acknowledging past you’s feelings of hurt, sadness, confusion, etc. in those moments, and acknowledging that you adopted the coping strategy you did to protect yourself from feeling that pain again in the future. Perhaps you could even imagine yourself thanking that coping strategy for protecting you all these years!

As I mentioned earlier, the fear of rejection is universal, and we all risk rejection when we interact with another human. Therefore, moving into authentic relationships with others can be scary, especially if we’ve adopted a coping style of isolating, adapting, or building walls. I believe that in order to move forward in building real, meaningful, and lasting relationships, we can allow that fear of rejection to be present, rather than pushing it away or avoiding it through one of the above coping styles. When we acknowledge how we truly feel, we position ourselves to make more clear-minded choices that are in line with our values and desires. Not only that, but staying true to ourselves and who we really are typically reveals to us those people in our lives who truly accept us for who we are (flaws and all!), and helps us to weed out those who don’t.

If you’d like support in processing your story of rejection, I’d be happy to speak with you! Please contact me at (314) 392-2895.