My original idea for this blog post was to talk about how one can thrive and live life to the fullest even in the midst of anxiety. I wanted to provide practical tips and tools for those who struggle with anxiety to use in everyday life to increase their enjoyment of life.
I’m realizing that, while tips, tools, and strategies can be helpful in getting us through particularly dark moments, they don’t necessarily fill us with life. In my own struggle with anxiety over the years, I’ve noticed that part of my brain will be telling me some anxious story, while the other part of my brain will be telling me, “Don’t listen, that’s just anxiety talking.” I run into trouble when both of those voices are talking simultaneously and neither one seem stronger than the other – they’re locked in tension.
So, how do we live our lives to the full in the midst of this tension? I think if I had the universal answer to that question, this would not be a blog post, it would be a book, and I’d be a multimillionaire!
What I have found to be true in my own life is that this tension waxes and wanes – my anxiety feels worse at some points than at others, there are times when I’m able to stay present in the moment without my thoughts carrying me away, and times when I feel like my brain has jumped on a runaway train and there’s no stopping it! However, thankfully I’ve also noticed that, even at the heights of my anxiety, falling into a pit of anxious despair is not a foregone conclusion, even if I feel close to the edge.
One thing that’s kept me from going over this edge is noticing and allowing this tension to exist without pushing it away or becoming wrapped up in it. It can seem contrary to something within us (or at the very least, just really difficult) for us to hold both the good and bad aspects of life together, without becoming so wrapped up in one side that we avoid the other. Allowing this tension to just exist – while not comfy – reserves the energy that we would normally exert by trying to avoid or suppress our difficult feelings, or becoming so wrapped up in them that they dominate our lives.
Jesus acknowledges the fact of this tension in our lives, when He speaks to His disciples in John 16:33: “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” Jesus doesn’t mince words – He says that we will have difficulty in life. However, He bookends this fact with the truth that we can find peace in Him. First, by pointing out the knowledge and comfort of His words, and second, by pointing out that He has overcome the bad stuff in this world through His death on the cross. One of my favorite artists, Sandra McCracken, sings in her song, “God’s Highway,” that “it is not yet, but it will be.” Jesus gives us hope through the peace He provides us here on Earth, and also through the knowledge that one day when we’re with Him, there will be no more death, tears, or anxiety! Since I know this to be true, my life is perpetually in tension. But there’s a peace knowing this tension exists for a reason – that one day I’ll be with Jesus and things will be as He intended them to be.
Another thing that has been so helpful, especially in moments of severe anxiety, is having people in my life with whom I can share my struggles with and ask for prayer. I am so thankful for specific people in my life that I know I can text in particularly difficult moments and ask for prayer without receiving judgment or unsolicited advice giving in return. About a month ago, I found myself ruminating over an anxious thought that I felt embarrassed about sharing with my loved ones (because it was so outlandish and most likely influenced by listening to too many investigative murder podcasts!), but I made myself text it to them anyway. Instead of receiving “LOLs” or “that’s crazy, that’s not going to happen!”, I received, “same, girl, same” and “oh my gosh, I’ve had thoughts like that before too!” Receiving validation that other people have these struggles too validated that I am not alone, that I’m not the only one who struggles, and that there are people who care about me and know how to pray for me.
Science supports this idea that connection with others can help ease anxiety. Sue Johnson, a key researcher in the field of attachment and relationships, explains how our nervous systems calm down, enabling us to receive comfort and reassurance, through regular physical and/or emotional connection with reliable others. In her book, Attachment Theory in Practice, she writes that these connections are linked “to almost every positive index of mental health general well-being.” Research shows that secure attachments to others fosters resilience in the face of stress, the ability to tolerate ambiguity (tension!), and the ability “to attend to and stay engaged with distressing emotions, without a fear of losing control or being overwhelmed.” This is important because if we’re not changing, suppressing, or ignoring these emotions, we can use them to adaptively orient ourselves to what’s going on in our world and move toward fulfilling our goals and needs.
Despite being a licensed clinician, with education and experience under my belt, I by no means have this all figured out, and I don’t expect to have this figured out in my lifetime. One of my favorite illustrations to give to clients when explaining the process of therapy comes from author and trainer Russ Harris. He describes life like mountain climbing. I’m climbing my own mountain, and my clients are climbing their own mountains. Given my experience, training, and the information clients provide me about their lives, I may be able to point out particular obstacles in their path or help them find other paths to explore. But I have not reached the top of my mountain; I’m still growing and changing all the time, just like my clients. Two paths that I’ve found myself exploring are: 1) living in the tension of the peace Jesus gives me now, but also knowing that there is more to come in the future; and 2) deepening and relying on my secure connections with others.
If you’re looking for your own path to living with vitality while struggling with anxiety, I’d be honored to support you on your journey! Give me a call at (314) 392-2895 today to find out more.
References
Harris, R. (2009). ACT made simple: An easy-to-read primer on Acceptance & Commitment Therapy. Oakland: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Johnson, S. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. New York: The Guilford Press.
The photo featured on this blog post is called “Mortar & Petal,” by St. Louis artist, Neil R. Brown.
