Relationships serve as a landscape in which our insecurities and our worst qualities can surface. I believe this phenomenon happens in both safe/healthy and unsafe/unhealthy relationships. For many (if not all) of us, we often fear being abandoned or deeply wounded. If we are in a safe, healthy, committed relationship, these insecurities can be assuaged over time, especially as we experience our partner’s love and commitment, and see a pattern of validating responses from them when these deep insecurities surface. (It is important to note that these wounds may come from family-of-origin relationships, and may need processing in therapy in order to trust even the healthiest and committed partner with them.)

When we are authentically ourselves in a committed relationship, it only make sense that our insecurities and our least desirable qualities make an appearance. How do we know when our doubts about a relationship are a result of our own insecurities (such as fear of abandonment) or the other person’s actions? Ask yourself if this insecurity something you’ve experienced before, in other relationships or contexts. Perhaps your doubts are not new, they’re related to this underlying fear. It’s important to speak with your partner about an action they’re taking that may be causing you hurt or discomfort, especially since they may not even be aware that their actions are causing you pain. If you speak with them and they dismiss or ignore your concerns or get defensive, that may be telling you there is something amiss with the relationship. On the other hand, if they are open and accepting of your feelings, and actively strive to make changes if warranted, you may find your doubts assuaged.

It’s important to consider how your partner responds to the insecurities you do share with them. Is it a validating, loving response or shaming and blaming? Does your partner exploit your insecurities? For example, if they know you are insecure about abandonment, do they hold the prospect of leaving over your head as a bargaining chip to get you to change some part of yourself? Being vulnerable with your partner in a slow and paced manner can give you information regarding how they treat the most trusted and deep parts of yourself. Click here to read more about determining if tough relationship moments are isolated incidents or indicative of a larger pattern at play.