Amanda arrived for her first counseling appointment. She sat down on the couch, handed in her opening paperwork, and immediately burst into tears. After a few minutes, she was able to explain what had brought her to counseling. She was afraid she was in love with “the wrong man.”
Amanda was a bright, attractive woman in her early 40s. She had two young children with her ex-husband from whom she’d been divorced for about five years. She had met Will at a Bible study at church. Will was attractive, charming, had a good job, and always contributed profound insight to the discussion at Bible study. He began showing interest in Amanda, and Amanda found herself drawn to Will. Her ex-husband had been unable to hold a steady job, distant, and withdrawn, never planning dates or taking initiative in the marriage. Will was the complete opposite of her ex, which was part of his appeal.
Will asked Amanda out, and they soon began seeing each other every day. After dating for about a month, Will professed his love to Amanda, which Amanda returned. She introduced him to her children, who loved Will, and Will loved them in return. Will and Amanda began talking about marriage.
About three months into their relationship, Amanda began noticing an uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach whenever she and Will went out for dinner. She eventually realized that this uneasy feeling was because Will never tipped their server and she felt embarrassed and confused by that, considering that she knew Will to be a kind man. When she asked Will why he didn’t tip, he shrugged and told her, “They’re already getting paid. I figure tipping is optional, and I’m not required to pay more than the price of our meal.” While Amanda found this disrespectful and thoughtless, she brushed it aside, thinking that technically, tipping is optional.
Amanda’s uneasiness increased after observing Will with her children. He seemed to thoroughly enjoy them, playing with them, and doting on them. Her children thought Will was the most fun person they’d ever met. Amanda enforced a strict bedtime, especially on school nights. Will usually came over for dinner on weeknights, and sometimes stayed later to play a board game with the kids while Amanda cleaned up the kitchen. Amanda loved watching Will bond with her children. However, she started noticing that her kids were going to bed later and later, and waking up cranky the next morning. When she considered how this was happening, she realized it was because of Will. Her children would ask her if they could stay up later to play “one more game” with Will, and she had agreed. She realized she needed to return to enforcing the bedtime routine, and decided she would start that evening.
After finishing dinner, the kids and Will went into the living room for their game of Monopoly. Amanda told them that tonight, they would be going to bed at precisely 8:00, as they had been so tired the past few mornings. When 8:00 came around, Amanda told the kids it was time to get ready for bed. They protested, begging for one more game, and Amanda refused. Will chimed in, telling Amanda, “C’mon, Amanda, one more game. What difference will it make if they go bed to at 9:00 instead of 8:00?”
Amanda was surprised and frustrated at Will for joining with her kids, rather than respecting her limits as the parent. When she told him how she had felt during this exchange later after the kids were (finally) in bed, Will brushed her off, telling her to “lighten up.” “Aren’t you glad that I’m bonding with your kids?” Will asked her.
Amanda had come to counseling confused by the fact that she was in love with a man who seemed so amazing, but who she also had some concerns about. She was wondering if she really did need to “lighten up.” After all, he wasn’t abusive, he was loving on her kids, and he was nothing like her ex-husband. Was she making a big deal of nothing? What did these “small” concerns mean in the larger picture and what influence would they have on her future relationship with Will?
Three months into her relationship with Will, Amanda began noticing qualities that concerned her. She had already built an attachment to Will, and found herself in love with him. Amanda’s case is not uncommon. It’s especially easy to believe yourself to be in love with someone in the beginning of a relationship, when everything is fresh, new, and exciting. If you think about it, it makes sense – we usually put our best foot forward in a new relationship. It takes a bit longer for us to settle in, and for us to begin to see qualities in our partner that are less desirable (and vice versa!).
Will had a lot of great qualities. He took Amanda on dates, making her feel thought of and special. Yet, his lack of tipping struck Amanda as disrespectful and thoughtless to the server. It made Amanda start to question Will’s motives and values, particularly towards people in positions of service. Did his lack of tipping mean Will was stingy? Looked down on others? Was he never taught to tip or the rationale for tipping? One seemingly small and minute behavior that had nothing to do with Will’s treatment of her had Amanda questioning his character.
It’s important to consider whether these seemingly small behaviors are isolated incidents or indicative of a larger pattern at play. For example, Will undermined Amanda’s parenting when he joined with her kids in their protest to let her stay up later and continue their game. When Amanda confronted Will about this, he told her to “lighten up.” Amanda will want to revisit this conversation with Will, letting him know how his comment made her feel and how she hopes he can support her parenting, and that they can establish a joint parenting plan if and when they decide to marry. If Will is able to hear Amanda’s concerns, empathize, and work with her to change his behavior, this would exemplify an isolated incident that they were able to work through as a couple. If he continues undermining her, and/or refuses to listen to her concerns, becomes defensive, etc., this may indicate a larger pattern at play within the relationship that won’t necessarily change if they marry.
Amanda says that she feels she’s “in too deep” in the relationship. She’s attached to Will, in love with him, and her kids are attached too. In fact, she can’t think of anyone being a better stepfather to her children than Will. But her questions about these seemingly small behaviors, and the unease they’re causing her, are prompting her to pause the conversations about marriage. Is it possible to slow down the pace of their relationship in order to get to know Will better and minimize her risk of ignoring other possible red flags?
Absolutely! It may be difficult to pump the brakes, but it’s certainly possible. I would encourage Amanda to spend time with Will in a variety of contexts so that she can get a better idea of who he is in general. For example, does he undermine her in multiple settings? Does he empathize and/or seek to understand her difficult feelings in other circumstances? Is he open to learning about and considering tipping, something that’s important to Amanda? If he respectfully disagrees with Amanda on tipping, how does this sit with Amanda?
Pumping the brakes will involve setting boundaries on the relationship. This might mean that Amanda has a conversation with Will about pausing the discussion of marriage, which could be difficult. It will involve honest and intentional conversations about Amanda’s thoughts and feelings regarding Will’s lack of willingness to tip and her need for him to support her enforcement of parenting decisions. These conversations will provide both Amanda and Will with additional information regarding if and how they can listen to each other’s thoughts and feelings, especially when they disagree. Not to mention, it gives them practice in open and honest communication, as well as trust – pillars of a healthy and authentic relationship!
Amanda expresses a great deal of shame for rushing into loving feelings for a man and introducing him to her children so early on in their relationship. It’s important for Amanda to take care of herself in this situation, and show herself compassion. Shaming herself will get her nowhere, and certainly will not improve her situation. What would she say to her best friend if her best friend was in her situation? She’d probably acknowledge the fact that her friend had felt neglected and ignored by her ex, so it makes sense that she felt excited and cared for when a new guy lavished attention on her and her children. Also, now that her friend is aware of the issues, she’s committed to not entering a marriage with someone who she is unsure about, which is wise and admirable. Can Amanda apply that same compassion to herself?
It would also serve Amanda well to seek support from others, whether it’s from a trusted friend, relative, or her therapist. Experiencing revelations about someone’s character can feel like coming out of a dense fog to a stark reality, especially if it’s someone we’re in love with. It can be difficult and painful, especially if we decide we need to end the relationship. Seeking support from people who listen without judgment, are able to empathize and offer sound advice when you ask for it, can provide you with emotional safety and empower you to make decisions regarding the relationship – especially really difficult ones.
Amanda would be the perfect candidate for our PICK group for divorced women starting in September. Would you? For more information, email me at abundantlifecounselingstl@gmail.com or give me a call at (314) 392-2895.
