“Living & Loving after Betrayal: How to Heal from Emotional Abuse, Deceit, Infidelity, and Chronic Resentment” by Steven Stosny, PhD
Dr. Stosny describes how intimate betrayal—be it through deceit, infidelity, or emotional abuse—impacts our ability to heal, live according to our deepest values, and fully engage in important relationships. He seeks to offer a path forward through healing by sharing recent neurological findings on “how the brain forms habits and grows new cells through focus and repetition, and how we can wisely guide our neurological development by choosing what to focus on and what to repeat, in accordance with our deepest values.”
Dr. Stosny provides several exercises throughout this book that seem simple in form, but deep and meaningful in function. They may seem tedious or repetitive, but he emphasizes that that is indeed how our brain forms new neural pathways and therefore new behaviors. I found his core value bank inventory to be extremely valuable, and as a therapist who practices Acceptance & Commitment Therapy—which is big on identifying and cultivating values-based living—an inventory that can be used with clients struggling with issues other than intimate betrayal.
I found the book helpful in providing a roadmap through healing and tangible exercises for a journey that so often feels daunting and impossible. I felt the tone to be a bit more direct and intellectual in some parts, acknowledging that a painful event has taken place, but now it’s time to work on healing. This isn’t bad in and of itself, and I’ve found that people who have experienced intimate betrayal do desire a roadmap through healing, which this book provides. But I feel a compassionate voice is needed in these extremely painful situations, and I would recommend reading this book while working with a therapist or a group so that you receive compassionate support simultaneously. Overall, the book was easy to read and understand.
I really appreciate the strong focus on the healing journey for the one in the relationship who is betrayed. While the third part of the book is focused on repairing the relationship if one so chooses, the majority of the book was focused on the healing journey of the betrayed, which I appreciated and think is crucial. It was interesting to read his take on forgiveness in the epilogue, as it was not from a Christian perspective. His definition of forgiveness agrees with the definition of forgiveness often taught in Christian circles. He emphasizes the importance of focusing on individual healing and repairing the relationship before starting the work of forgiveness.
Dr. Stosny provides graphics as examples of how to complete the particular exercises in the book, which are very helpful. Some could be scanned and printed from the book and used as worksheets. I would recommend this book to be used in conjunction with therapy, and I would recommend it for the person who’s acknowledged they’ve experienced deep betrayal and are looking to forge a healing path forward.
