When I talk to Christian women about qualities they want in a partner, I will often hear that they want someone who is a leader and will lead their family well. Leadership is an admirable quality to desire in a partner, but it can also—unfortunately—be used to manipulate and silence one partner in the relationship. That’s why it’s worthwhile to unpack what we mean when we say we want someone who will lead our family.

One way we can narrow down what kind of leader we want to partner with is to think about the qualities that make good leaders. For example, when I think of leaders who I admire, I think of people who are good listeners, humble, seek wise counsel, consider multiple perspectives, acknowledge their own limitations, delegate, and care about those around them.

Likewise, we can think about the qualities of leaders who we don’t admire, and the qualities that make someone a bad leader. It may sound dramatic, but we can start by thinking of dictators and authoritarian world leaders throughout history (and at present) — they will do anything to hold on to their power, control, manipulate, scare, intimidate, shut down dissent, etc. We can also consider the opposite of the positive qualities we listed. So, the opposite qualities of the ones I listed above would include: poor listener (someone who talks over/interrupts, inpatient for you to stop talking so they can make their point), proud, refuses to seek input or counsel, does not consider other perspectives, or acknowledge where they might need help/be wrong, and inconsiderate of others.

I hope this exercise helps in narrowing down what kind of leader you want to partner with in a long-term relationship. For more info about how I might be able to assist you, click on the “New Here” tab or check out the other relationship posts in my blog.