Matthew 16:24: “Then Jesus said to his disciples, ‘Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.’”

Luke 9:23: “Then he said to them all: ‘Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.’”

Galatians 2:20: “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.”

Galatians 5:24: “Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.”

Romans 6:11: “In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus.”

Growing up in the church, I often heard the exhortation to “die to myself.” To those outside of the church, I imagine this sounds pretty weird. But for those of us who learned about our inherent sinful nature from a young age, it made sense – we are to flee from sin. We are to follow Christ’s example in every way, living sacrificially with servant’s hearts and loving others as we love ourselves. Worshipping only Him and no one or nothing else.

And I wholeheartedly believe all of what I just wrote to be true, to be clearly indicated from the Bible.

BUT

I fear that sometimes in Christian circles, “dying to self” can be implied to mean more than just fleeing from sin or loving others as we love ourselves. I worry that it can be used as a form of emotional avoidance. For example, does “dying to self” mean ignoring the pain your spouse or friend or loved one has caused you, even if it’s negatively impacting your relationship with that person? Does “dying to self” mean gritting your teeth through anxious moments until you can’t take it anymore and suffer a panic attack? Does “dying to self” mean you do everything everyone asks of you to the point that you feel resentment and burned out? I would say no.

But first, where does the concept of “dying to self” come from? In Matthew 16:24 and Luke 9:23, Jesus is recorded teaching that whoever wants to follow Him “must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.” In Galatians 2:20, Paul writes: “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.” So, what does “dying to self” look like in the Bible? Further on in Galatians 5:24, Paul says that “those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.” And in Romans 6:11, he writes: “In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus.”

I’ve yet to come across any Bible verse that indicates that “dying to self” means ignoring difficult thoughts, feelings, and emotions. It seems clear that we are to “die to sin,” to refrain from intentionally sinning, purposely living in a manner that is not pleasing to God.

When I think about my own sin and idols I’ve struggled with in my life, two in particular come to mind: comfort and control. I want to be comfortable, at peace with everyone, myself, and God. Now this in and of itself is not a sinful a desire – God does call us to live at peace with everyone! But sometimes what appears to be “peaceful” living is me just people pleasing, avoiding conflict because I don’t want to experience the anxiety that (for me) comes with that, and that often ends up breeding resentment and irritability. I don’t like feeling out of control – I want an answer to my problems, a solution, a strategy to implement. This can turn into idolatry when I put myself in the place of God, thinking and/or assuming power that only belongs to Him.

So for me, dying to myself and my idols involves getting uncomfortable by acknowledging my hurt and anger, trusting God as I embrace my fear and seek true, honest peace with my loved ones. It involves acknowledging my fear that ultimately leads me to seek control of situations.

Dying to myself requires that I acknowledge and feel my painful feelings so that I can turn to the One who holds them and me in His hand. So that I can turn away from my sinful idols.

I don’t believe that dying to self means we cut off our emotions, part of what makes us human and reflect the image of God. Instead, I believe dying to self means we acknowledge our emotions and the ways in which we would like to or are naturally inclined to respond and consider those responses in light of the gospel.