I’m sure we can all think of a time where we said or did something embarrassing. I’m thinking of a time when I misheard something in a group of about 20 people and started talking about the topic I thought we were discussing, when we were actually talking about something completely different. I was mortified.

I use embarrassment in this example because I think this is an emotion that is very difficult to avoid and/or talk ourselves out of feeling (at least for me it is). After I realized I was sharing my thoughts and opinions on a topic that was not at all what the group was discussing, I could not move around the room and retrieve the memory of my going off-topic from everyone’s minds. I was powerless. Even if I said something brilliant in subsequent discussions, that would not replace the memory of me rambling off topic for my fellow group members.

So, what am I left to do in these moments where I can’t “undo” a situation that brought me an uncomfortable feeling?

I can let myself be uncomfortable. I can accept that I’m feeling embarrassed, anxious, sad, insert difficult emotion here. I can acknowledge that, just because I said something embarrassing, I am not in physical danger or even necessarily emotional danger. If one of those group members wanted to mock or make fun of me for my mistake, then that is a reflection on how they’re choosing to respond, not on me. Also, the fact that I feel embarrassed does not mean I need to “fix” others’ potential perceptions of me by never making another mistake or by only talking brilliantly at subsequent meetings. Not only do I not need to, but it’s impossible. I cannot undo my speaking mistake.

This is an excellent chance for me to show myself compassion: “Wow, I feel embarrassed that I went completely off topic. My face feels hot. I know that we all experience embarrassing moments in our lives. If this happened to my best friend, I’d tell her that it happens to all of us and that I still care for her and am here for her. I can tell myself the same thing.” We can ride the wave of embarrassment, something about it feels temporary. I still see many of those people who I embarrassed myself in front of a few years ago, and that evening rarely comes to mind when I interact with them now.

We can often feel anxious, even if there is no identifiable cause of our anxiety. We might be tempted to read meaning into our experience of anxiety – “did I forget something important?” “Am I missing some potential threat?” “I’m feeling this way so there must be a reason!” Unlike feeling embarrassed, I think anxiety can be a more difficult feeling to allow because we think if we employ some kind of strategy, *figure out* what is causing us discomfort, then we can be rid of it. Unfortunately, when we try to *figure it out* or explain it away, it often reinforces the idea that anxiety pushes on us, which is that this feeling is URGENT and must be FIGURED OUT RIGHT NOW. It can make our anxiety more intense, more urgent, and cause more distress.

Much like my example of embarrassment, we can practice self-compassion in these moments and ride the wave of our anxiety. “I’m feeling really anxious right now, and I can’t identify a reason or a cause. I’m noticing my heart is racing and my jaw is clenched. I feel a sense of urgency, like I need to take an action to make this go away right now. I don’t know what action to take because I notice that I’m not actively facing a threat. Instead, I can place my hand on my heart and soften my jaw, and allow this anxiety to be present while I go about my day.” I often speak with clients about how awesome it’d be if there was an on/off switch in our brains that could turn off our anxiety when we notice there is no threat present. Unfortunately, such a switch does not exist and never will exist. But that does not mean we have to let our anxiety dictate and drive our lives. We can allow it to be there, offer ourselves compassion, and move about our lives. Therapy (especially ACT) can be helpful because it can give us tools to use in those difficult moments so that we can move about our lives.