We all have those oversharers on our Facebook feeds, the ones that share information that make us cringe, or at least think, “Wow! I can’t believe they’re posting that on social media!” My husband and I recently learned the word fremdschämen, a German term that describes “the feeling of shame on someone else’s behalf; the feeling of shame for someone else who has done [something] embarrassing.” Now, whenever we see something that makes us cringe on social media, we yell, “Fremdschämen!” in order to cope.
I’m aware that some you may be experiencing fremdschämen right now as you read this confession…
I digress. I mention these oversharers, not because I intend to debate whether or not they’re being vulnerable and “real” in their posts, but because I think, at some point, whether consciously or not, we all wonder how we’re supposed to open up to all of our emotions, and allow others to join us in those emotional experiences when it puts us at risk of being wounded.
In part one of this blog series on vulnerability, I discussed what vulnerability is, what it looks like, and how we can own it and engage with it in order to live an abundant life. In part two of this blog series, we looked at several of the benefits being vulnerable has on our mental health and relationships.
So, how can we practice being open to our own emotions and allowing others to join us in those emotional experiences when it means there is a distinct possibility of us getting hurt?
A quick reminder that no matter how hard we may try to avoid certain emotions, the fact is that those emotions are still there. We have the choice whether we want to engage them or not and whether we want to risk sharing those feelings with our loved and trusted ones. in his book The Soul of Shame, Dr. Curt Thompson writes: “To be human is to be vulnerable…Vulnerability is not a question of if but rather to what degree.”
One of the most important parts of practicing vulnerability is deciding with whom to be vulnerable. In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown writes: “We need to honor our struggle by sharing it with someone who has earned the right to hear it. When we’re looking for compassion, it’s about connecting with the right person at the right time about the right issue.” How do you know when someone has earned the right to hear your story, your pain, your struggle? Who is the person who you can rely on for compassion?
For me, I’ve learned this the hard way over the years. I can look back at my life and think of relationships that I wanted so badly to be safe that I shared my pain early on and eventually it was thrown back in my face. Through my own therapy and becoming more aware and accepting of all of my emotions over the years, I believe my radar has improved for who I can really open up and share with as opposed to who I can’t. For me personally, I’ve found that the people I feel safest with are the people who demonstrate empathy and sincere listening without advice giving, and who have themselves risked in opening up to me. It’s amazing how open and safe I feel sharing my struggle when someone has shared their struggle with me – I know I’m not alone in experiencing the challenges of life.
In fact, Brown writes about the importance of receiving help and support from others in learning to be vulnerable. Accepting help from others can be difficult because it forces us to expose our need in front of someone else, and that we don’t have everything figured out. Brown writes: “Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help.” This really resonated with me. If I’m judging myself for reaching out to someone for support, what will stop me from judging someone who reaches out to me for support?
In her book, Daring Greatly, Brown writes about shields we use to protect ourselves from difficult emotions instead of opening up to them, and ways we can practice being vulnerable in those moments. I’ll summarize them briefly.
The first shield: foreboding joy. Brown describes foreboding joy as the “paradoxical dread that clamps down on momentary joyfulness.” She writes that experiencing joy can sometimes lead us to believe that we’re being “setup” or “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” I remember feeling this way in the early months of dating my husband. I was very much in love with him, and simultaneously extremely anxious that he wasn’t who he seemed to be, and that he would eventually reveal himself to be a psychopath or break my heart. During these months, I knew I was in love with him, but I had a very difficult time enjoying being in love! Brown explains that it’s often difficult to enjoy joy because we fear being caught off-guard and blindsided by hurt, so instead “we literally practice being devastated or never move from self-elected disappointment.” How can we lean into joy, despite the fear that may accompany it? Brown suggests using joy as a “reminder rather than a warning.” We can lean into joy and vulnerability by practicing gratitude and acknowledging “how truly grateful we are for the person, the beauty, the connection, or simply the moment before us.”
The second shield: perfectionism. We strive to be perfect to avoid feeling shame. My husband typically leaves later than I do for work in the mornings, and it makes sense that I’m the one to make the bed. Most of the time, our bed gets made, but lately I’ve noticed that I’ve been making the bed with the underlying assumption that if I don’t, my husband will think I’m lazy and that will mean that I’m a bad wife. It’s a seemingly silly example, and entirely self-imposed (my husband has never once indicated that I’m lazy or a bad wife), but then doesn’t shame find silly and unexplainable ways to exert its power over us? How can we move from fear of what others think of us to the belief that we’re enough? Brown cites fellow researcher Dr. Kristin Neff, who has identified three elements to practicing self-compassion: self-kindness (warm “understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate”); common humanity (suffering and feeling inadequate are part of the human experience); and mindfulness (noticing that our thoughts and feelings are just thoughts and feelings, that we ourselves are not just comprised of what we think and feel, in order to avoid getting “caught up and swept away by negativity”).
The third shield: numbing. Numbing is embracing “whatever deadens the discomfort and pain.” The choice to numb our difficult thoughts and feelings is often very appealing. We don’t feel pain when we numb. Unfortunately, we don’t feel joy when we numb either. In order to avoid giving into the temptation to numb pain, Brown recommends practicing setting boundaries. She writes: “If we want to experience love and belonging, we must believe that we are worthy of love and belonging.” Setting boundaries indicates to both ourselves and others that our personhood matters, and helps us to make decisions and act accordingly to our personal values. Setting boundaries allows us to take conscious, self-owned action in regards to our emotional experiences, rather than passively allow them to hijack our emotions altogether. Finally, self-care is a way to practice vulnerability instead of numbing. Brown encourages us to ask ourselves: “Are my choices comforting and nourishing my spirit, or are they temporary reprieves from vulnerability and difficult emotions ultimately diminishing my spirit? Are my choices leading to my Wholeheartedness, or do they leave me feeling empty and searching?” Engaging in things that nourish us not only keeps us from numbing, but helps us cope with whatever difficulty we’re facing.
This blog concludes our series on vulnerability. Writing this series has been a learning experience for me, as I’ve learned about the variety of benefits vulnerability has on our mental healthy, and I’ve been challenged to consider the shields I put up instead of engaging with the full range of my emotions. If you would like to speak further on this issue, or if you are looking for someone to support you in your journey of putting down your shields and practicing living fully, I would be happy to speak with you. You can contact me at (314) 392-2895 or abundantlifecounselingstl@gmail.com
References
Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly. New York: Avery.
Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection. Center City: Hazelden Publishing.
Thompson, C. (2015). The soul of shame. Downers Grove: InterVarsity Press.
English-German Dictionary. Fremdschämen. https://www.dict.cc/german-english/Fremdsch%C3%A4men.html
