Have you been here? You’re dating someone, you know they’re not perfect (because no human being is), and you know healthy relationships always include some kind of conflict. But how do you know when the seemingly small things that bother you about your relationship are actually signs of a larger problem?
Here are some examples that are both subtle and noteworthy reasons to end a relationship:
If one person places a high level of importance on something, and the other person wants nothing to do with it. For example, if one person’s Jewish faith is of the utmost importance to them, and their partner wants nothing to do with any kind of religion, the first partner may continue in the relationship without the other person joining them in something that is especially important to them. They won’t be able to share this very important piece of their life with their partner, causing them to compartmentalize their partner and their faith, instead of having an authentic relationship where they can share all aspects of their lives, even if they’re not on the same page. This could lead to the partner with the strong faith resenting the other partner (or vice versa).
If you see a pattern of negative behavior in your partner, even if it’s not directed towards you. For example, if you notice that your partner is consistently speaking disrespectfully to his/her parents, even if he/she has never spoken that way to you, chances are that they likely will at some point during the relationship. If you feel comfortable discussing it with your partner, I’d point out what you’ve noticed and see how they respond. If they get defensive or dismiss your concerns, consider what that might mean for your future relationship.
How does your partner handle difficult emotions? Does he/she avoid them? Project them onto others? If you notice your partner taking their anger out on others whenever they feel angry, that could be a warning sign. Again, if you feel comfortable discussing it with your partner, I’d point out what you’ve noticed and see how they respond. If they get defensive or dismiss your concerns, consider what that might mean for your future relationship.
When considering what you want in a long-term partner, consider your values and what is most important to you. Consider which of those values you want to share with your partner (the same faith, for example) and what you can live with not sharing with that person (a love of sports, for example). Consider how you handle conflict yourself and how you would want conflict handled in a relationship. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this: when you self-reflect and figure out what’s most important to you (as well as just how important those things are to you), it will take a lot of the guess work out of figuring out what kind of partner you’re looking for.
