I was recently asked, “What are some early signs your partner won’t ever love you in the way you deserve?”

My initial response was, “Yeesh. Tough question!”

But as I started thinking about it, I wondered: what signs do we miss in those early days of a relationship where we’re so in loooove that we can’t see anything but the positive in the relationship?

It led me to consider my own previous dating relationships, as well as my dating relationship with my husband, and the differences between those relationships. Here are some of the signals from the relationships that didn’t work out that I wish I had paid attention to earlier on (although, I’m thankful to say it all worked out in the end – the man I married is so obviously the man I’m meant to spend my life with!):

1. How do they respond to you when you share your feelings with them? Do they become defensive or dismissive?

2. How do they cope with their own negative emotions? In healthy ways? Or do they project on to others, blame others, or shut down?

3. What are their expectations of you and your relationship? Do they expect you to be available to spend time with them whenever they’re available, perhaps calling at the last minute, or expecting you to spend all of your free time with them? Do they take no time or interest in getting to know the interests, hobbies, friends, and people important to you?

4. How do they talk to and about others? Do they speak to the waiter condescendingly or disrespectfully? Do they act one way around their friends, but then bad mouth them in private? How do they treat their parents, boss, co-workers, etc.?

So, if your significant other is sending you these signals, what does that mean?

It could mean a variety of things, and I recommend talking to them first before assigning a “diagnosis” to them or your relationship. Some thoughts on what these signals could mean? They could mean that your new partner is looking for you to fill a need for them, rather than being in a joint partnership where you give to each other. If they are unable to listen to your feelings, have difficulty coping and resolving conflict in healthy ways, there is a reason why that they may need to seek professional support for. If they have unrealistic expectations or demand all of your time, especially at the beginning of the relationship, they may be showing signs of codependency or a personality disorder.

Would you ever recommend for someone to “wait” it out and see if things change down the road? Why or why not?

This is tough, especially when we really want a relationship to work out. Obviously, no one is perfect, and we all have bad days where we handle difficult feelings and situations in not so great ways. For that reason, it’s important to practice grace and forgiveness in our relationships. However, if you notice a pattern of negative behavior, or if you’ve spoken with your partner about how their behavior makes you feel, and the partner is unwilling to change or seek support in changing, chances are high that they are not going to change by you simply “waiting it out.” I tell people that in some situations, chances of the person changing are higher if you leave because they may need that kind of “wake-up call” that their behavior is actually causing problems in their relationships. A great myth that we often believe is that if we just keep loving the person or “helping” them with their issues, they will change. Research does not support this, and we have to be careful that our desire to “help” is not actually a sign of our own codependency.

If you’re in a relationship and wondering if the vibes you’re getting from your partner are early warning signs or just typical issues that need to be worked through, contact me today. I’d love to help you in your journey to finding a healthy and loving relationship!