I enjoy watching the Bachelor shows. I admit it. The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Bachelor in Paradise…I even watched the Bachelor Winter Games this past winter.

And it’s not just because a group of girlfriends and I gather on Monday nights to eat, drink, and dissect the show together (which is definitely so much fun and sometimes my only chance to see some of these friends during the week), but because I find myself strangely fascinated by these strangers who would bear their souls and put themselves in all sorts of producer-manipulated scenarios for the sake of fame – cough – I mean, love.

Anyway, last night, the most recent season of Bachelor in Paradise ended, and I have some thoughts. **SPOILERS AHEAD FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO WATCH THE SHOW BUT HAVEN’T WATCHED THE FINAL EPISODE YET** For those not familiar with this show, the basic premise is this: a bunch of former contestants from the Bachelor and Bachelorette shows are taken to a beach in Mexico, with the hope of falling in love. Each week, new people arrive in “Paradise,” making the girl to guy ratio uneven, and contestants have to choose who stays and who goes. By the end of the season, there are solid, developed couples, and on the finale episode, they decide if they want to break up, get engaged, or leave as a couple.

On Monday night’s episode, two of the couples perceived to be the strongest and who most people thought would make it to the end, broke up. Obviously, due to editing and time constraints, the viewer is not able to see the complete course of the relationship, but it left me wondering what exactly these people do and do not talk about in terms of the future? I realize that a lot of these folks are on the show to boost their social media followers, but if they develop real, genuine feelings for each other – as they so often claim to do – what do those conversations look like?

While you most likely will not get a glimpse of what your partner is like in the “real world” by simply lounging around on a beach in Mexico for a few weeks, there are certainly some signs early on in the relationship that can give you information about what your partner will be like off camera. Here are some things I’d give those Bachelor folks to consider to hopefully prevent them leaving Paradise in tears or engaged to someone who is not there for the “right reasons”:

How does your partner deal with conflict? Oh man, is Paradise a great place to see your partner deal with conflict! Here’s an example from the show: Kendall and Joe are “together” when Leo walks in. Kendall is interested in and attracted to Leo, so she agrees to go on a date with him when he asks. They have a great time, roll around in the sand and make out. Kendall is open with him about already having a “thing” with Joe, and Leo says he’s going to pursue her (and only her) anyway. A couple of hours after the date, Leo kisses Chelsea in the hot tub. Kendall eventually finds out from someone other than Leo, and confronts Leo about why he kissed Chelsea when he told her he was pursuing her. Leo starts criticizing Kendall, telling her he should be able to kiss whomever he wants, and at the same time, trying to convince her that she’s still the only one he cares about. This is a form of gaslighting, or making someone feel crazy by criticizing or making them feel solely responsible for the problem, while praising them at the same time. It’s a popular tactic used by abusers in relationships. Thankfully, Kendall doesn’t fall for it and sticks with Joe.

I’m not sure what Leo’s back story is, but in relationships, we often adopt our parents’ way of dealing with conflict, or sometimes, we decide we want to be nothing like our parents, and deal with conflict the opposite way that they did. It can be helpful to ask our partner about how conflict resolution was modeled (or not modeled) for them. We can also ask them about how their parents’ way of dealing with conflict (or lack thereof) has influenced their own ways of dealing with conflict, and if they have any role models they hope to emulate in conflict resolution. If they’ve never thought this through before, you have a golden opportunity to discuss how you’d like to resolve conflict in your relationship moving forward.

How does your partner deal with difficult emotions? Do they brush them aside or avoid them? Do they have healthy coping skills they use during difficult times? How has he/she dealt with difficult emotions coming from other relationships (friends, family, work, etc)? In the example of the Leo-Kendall-Joe love triangle above, Leo clearly felt cornered and exposed. He immediately went on the defensive, criticizing Kendall, instead of owning up to his desire to “explore other relationships” on the beach. Another popular couple on this season was Jenna and Jordan. During one episode, Jenna was being pursued by another guy, who brought her a giant teddy bear for her birthday. Jordan, in a jealous rage, took the teddy bear and hurled it into the ocean, right in front of Jenna (I swear – I can’t make this stuff up). Even though Jordan eventually apologized, it will be wise for Jenna to observe Jordan dealing with difficult emotions in other contexts. If this is a pattern for him, this will cause problems in any relationship he has, romantic or otherwise.

How invested does your partner seem in the relationship? Is he/she openly sharing as much as you are? Or willing to spend as much time together as you are? There’s usually a couple for me who is painful to watch, and this season that couple was Annaliese and Kamil. Annaliese appeared to fall hard for Kamil on their first date, and while he seemed interested in her (at least for a summer fling), his level of interest was clearly nowhere near hers. Annaliese even admits this to the camera! Yet she speaks openly about her desire to get engaged to him at the end of the show. Whoa, sister! While it’s normal for one partner to feel more strongly than the other at the beginning of a relationship, for that partner who feels stronger than the other to be planning a wedding and babies is foolish, and setting herself up for the possibility of massive disappointment and hurt. And that’s exactly what happened to Annaliese when Kamil dumped her on national TV last night (again, can’t make this stuff up!).

Trust your gut. If your gut is telling you that your partner isn’t going to be in the relationship for the long haul, consider discussing this with them. Tia and Colton (who has since been named the next Bachelor) had a rocky start, but eventually became a strong couple. However, Colton eventually confessed to Tia that he could not see a long-term future for them. Sometimes, trusting our guts is hard, especially if there seem to be no “red flags” or warning signs. But our intuition gives us information, even if it doesn’t seem to make sense or comes from left field. It’s important to explore those feelings, leaning in to them to see what they have to tell us. Tia was ultimately grateful that Colton was honest with her, rather than string her along.

So, there’s my advice for, not only this summer’s Bachelor in Paradise couples, but for all of us! I’m looking forward to seeing how Colton handles all the craziness as the Bachelor come January!