A few years ago, I had a profound experience of crashing and burning.

I had been working for a non-profit counseling agency, doing in-home family therapy. I had loved my job for most of my time working there; I loved my co-workers and I believed in the work I was doing. About two years into the job, I started to feel as if I was being sucked dry. I had started the job optimistic and excited, but over time, as I encountered the darkness of severe trauma, abuse and neglect, I felt my light starting to fade. I knew something had to change, but I needed the income my job provided. So, I kept going, becoming more depleted by the day. 

One morning, my alarm went off at its usual time. I groggily pulled myself out of bed, ate some breakfast, and took a shower. As I stood in front of my closet trying to decide what to wear, the weight I’d been carrying and trying to push through like a zombie hit me and I collapsed to the floor. I’ll never forget my prayer that morning: God, if You want me to leave my house today, You will have to dress me Yourself.

God made it quite clear to me that day that I was not supposed to go into work. Instead, I called my then-fiancé-now-husband, who was out of town on business, who insisted I take a mini-vacation and spend a couple of days at his place while he was out of town. Over the course of those two days, not only did I indulge in the luxuries that he had that I didn’t (cable TV, a good-sized bathtub), I came face-to-face with a fact that I knew to be true and could no longer ignore.

I had been ignoring my exhaustion and my disillusionment. I had been ignoring them on purpose, avoiding reflecting on my own inner state at all costs because I was living on a single income, planning a wedding, had financial goals with my soon-to-be husband, and needed that income to live. In the process of all that ignoring and avoiding, I was losing myself and I was miserable.

Needless to say, I learned an important lesson that day about self-reflection.

What exactly is self-reflection? The dictionary defines it as “meditation or serious thought about one’s character, actions, and motives.” I like the Open University’s description of self-reflection as “looking into a mirror and describing what you see.”

Self-reflection has a variety of benefits, including helping us align how we live our lives with our most important values. At the time of my crash and burn, I was working in alignment with my value of financial responsibility and saving for the future. However, other important values I held, such as being emotionally present for my friends and family, had fallen by the wayside. I was striving to survive without realizing that I was actually crashing and burning. 

It wasn’t until I took those few days away from my job and my apartment that I became aware of this fact. According to Tracy Kennedy at Lifehack.org, not only does self-reflection improve our awareness of ourselves, it provides perspective. In my case, I realized that while my financial goals were of value to me, my emotional and relational well-being were of more value, and I was no longer willing to sacrifice these more important values for a less important one (not to mention, it seemed that my body refused to continue letting me!). Kennedy also writes that self-reflection allows us to respond instead of react. One of my favorite things about practicing mindfulness is that it provides us with accurate information about what is occurring in the present moment. When we are mindful of ourselves, what we are thinking and feeling, we can use that information to make decisions more in line with our values, rather than just initiating a quick-fix or temporary solution (like ignoring, avoiding, or distracting ourselves) that ultimately will not enrich our lives in the long-run.

Kennedy also writes that self-reflection facilitates a deeper level of learning, increases self-confidence, and challenges our assumptions. During my weekend “away”, I pondered possible alternatives to my work situation. My dream had always been to own my own private counseling practice. I had pushed my dream to the back burner, since I had absolutely no knowledge of how to start or run a business, and—again—I needed the financial security my current job provided. Prior to that moment, I had had little confidence in my ability to start a business, and I assumed it would fail. However, as the thought of this long-term dream of mine became lodged in the forefront my brain, and as I shared it with my amazingly supportive fiancé, who strongly encouraged me to go for it, I felt more confident. Confident that, even if my assumption that my business would never work came to be true, I would have the satisfaction of knowing that I tried, and that I would be living in accordance with my more important values.

Self-reflection can be challenging, particularly if we don’t like what we see when we look at ourselves in that proverbial mirror. It can bring us face to face with difficult feelings and thoughts we’ve worked hard to keep at bay for years. It can call us out of our seemingly easier ways of coping and/or surviving into scary new territory. Leaving my job forced me out of survival mode and into the complete unknown of starting my own business. Brene Brown writes that the risk of ignoring our failings and struggles impedes our ability to live full lives, that our wholeness “actually depends on the integration of all of our experiences, including the falls.” We can know that, while our failings and struggles do not comprise the WHOLE of our individual stories, they are PART of our stories that cannot be erased. When we try to ignore them or brush them aside, we miss out on the value, grit, and strength they provide.

The good news is that you don’t have to have your own crash-and-burn moment or spend a weekend away to self-reflect (although that can be awesome!). It does not have to be complicated or time-consuming. It does involve intentionally setting time aside, even just a few moments, in the midst of our hectic schedules. It does mean risking the possibility of facing difficult thoughts and feelings. 

What are some practical ways to practice self-reflection? Some people find journaling helpful, whether it be brief or not-so-brief. Keeping a gratitude journal is an easy way to practice self-reflection. I keep mine by my bed, and my original plan was to write in it every night before bed. However, I discovered that this does not work for me, as usually when I fall into bed, I’m tired and forget all about my journal. I’ve found it easier to remember to list what I’m thankful for in the mornings, during the time I’ve already set aside for praying and reading my Bible. I try to list one thing that I’m grateful for. It could be as small as a joke I heard or an encouraging thought I had. This can be helpful especially if I know I have a stressful day ahead and/or I’m feeling anxious. Whether or not you decide to journal, it’s important to find what works best for you, and to give yourself grace if you miss a day. It’s bound to happen and that’s okay!

While journaling can be helpful for some people, it may not resonate for everyone. Simply checking in with yourself over a morning cup of coffee or after a long day of work can be beneficial. Some questions to consider:

• What emotion am I experiencing in the present moment? 
• What was a highlight of the day or what am I most looking forward to today? 
• What was a challenging part of the day? How have I cared for myself in the midst of that challenge? 
• What do I foresee being challenging today and what is my plan to care for myself in the midst of that challenge?
• Am I assigning judgment or value to any emotion I’m experiencing or thought I’m having? (For example: “It’s wrong that I’m feeling angry” or “I should/shouldn’t be thinking…”)

While self-reflection is something we can only do for ourselves, and not something anyone else can do for us, it can be helpful to share what we’re discovering about ourselves with a trusted loved one. This enables us to not only know ourselves better, but to be able to be known by others, which fosters connection. If you would like to speak with someone about the idea of self-reflection, I’d be happy to chat! Give me a call at (314) 392-2895.

References

Kennedy, T. (2018, October 30). How self-reflection gives you a happier and more successful life. Retrieved from https://www.lifehack.org/696285/how-self-reflection-gives-you-a-happier-and-more-successful-life

Self-reflection. (n.d.). Retrieved April 9, 2019 from http://www.open.ac.uk/choose/unison/develop/my-skills/self-reflection