“You want me to accept what?!”
Sometimes when I talk with clients about allowing their difficult emotions to exist inside of them, instead of offering some “prescription” or intervention for making them disappear, I notice I get one of two reactions: 1) my clients look at me like I have two heads (and may be thinking about getting on Psychology Today as soon as they leave to find a new therapist); 2) they feel a sense of relief – someone is telling them it’s normal to feel difficult emotions and the burden of trying to “fix” the emotions they’ve often been trying so long and so hard to fix unsuccessfully is eased from their shoulders.
The thing is, part of our brain’s responsibility is to solve problems that arise. When our brain recognizes our difficult emotion of anger, sadness, fear, etc. as a problem, it goes into problem-solving mode. As a result, we tend to respond to our difficult feelings by becoming entangled in them, trying to understand every nuance so we can make them go away; or we decide to ignore them and pretend they aren’t there.
While there is no “prescription” for getting rid of difficult feelings (sorry to be the bearer of bad news!), we can learn to accept their presence so that we can continue living full lives without letting our emotions control us.
What do I mean by the term “accept”? In Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (otherwise known as ACT, a type of therapy I use in my work with my clients), we define acceptance as “opening up and making room for painful feelings, sensations, urges, and emotions.” In other words, we get off the Struggle Bus – instead of trying to control or eliminate our difficult emotions, we let them be as they are, even if they’re unpleasant. Why do we this? When we’re open to our emotional experience, we’re enabled to act in accordance with our values. We make room for all of our emotional experiences so that we’re able to do what really matters to us.
For example, let’s pretend my friend asks me to go to the City Museum, which I really do not enjoy (I know, I know, I’m maybe the only person in St. Louis who feels this way!). When friends ask me to do things with them that I really don’t want to do, I tend to fear disappointing them. I could respond in a couple of different ways in this situation. I could lie and tell her I’m busy – then I would be dishonest, and I value being honest in my relationships. Or, I could agree to go out of my fear of disappointing her or out of a perceived feeling of obligation, emotions that are likely to hinder the quality of the time I’m spending with my friend, and possibly breed resentment. Authenticity in my friendships matters to me, and in this situation, I would be choosing to not fully be myself. If I choose to accept my fear of disappointing my friend instead, that means I allow my fear to be present, as I respond in a way that is in accordance with my values. For example, “The City Museum isn’t really my thing, but I would really love to spend time with you! Are you free for dinner this week?”
A caveat: acceptance does not mean passively accepting our life situation. We are talking about accepting our private experiences: thoughts, feelings, memories, etc. If a client comes to me who’s in an abusive relationship, I’m going to encourage her to allow the painful feelings associated with the abusive relationship to be present…and also I’m going to work with her to act in accordance with her values to either work on the relationship or leave it.
Emotions have gotten a bad rep in the past. Maybe you grew up in a family where emotions weren’t allowed to be felt or were viewed as flighty, unreliable, and unimportant. Emotions serve a purpose in that they give us valuable pieces of information. In the past, I’ve found myself jumping in shock at the sound of thunder or at a large lightning bolt. I feel afraid. This feeling of fear actually serves to warn me to get inside or somewhere safe from the storm – it’s protecting me in this way. In my example of the City Museum above, if I ignore my fear of disappointing my friend, and go to the City Museum, I’m temporarily protecting myself from feeling my fear, yes, but I’m exposing myself to other potential threats, such as resentment or grouchiness, which could potentially harm my friendship…which is ultimately what I’m afraid of!
Practicing accepting our emotions is hard! It often requires a different way of coping than we’re used to, and takes intentionality to try out a new way of coping. Instead of coping with my fear of disappointing my friend by “people pleasing” and going along with something I don’t want to do, I allow my fear of her disappointment to exist. If I don’t allow that fear to exist, some other feeling will inevitably move in to take its place, such as resentment, anger, etc. Russ Harris, a prominent ACT educator writes, “When we accept our feelings, they may or may not reduce in intensity. We can’t predict it. But we can predict this: when we try to control or avoid our feelings, it’s likely that they’ll increase in intensity and cause us more distress.”
Picture a balloon that you’ve blown up, but have not tied yet. When I try to avoid my difficult feeling, or expend energy trying to get rid of it, it’s like I’m blowing more air into the balloon. My energy and my breath are making this balloon bigger and bigger, to the point the balloon cannot get any larger and may actually pop. For me, accepting my difficult feeling is like letting all of the air out of the balloon. The balloon still exists, it hasn’t gone anywhere, but I’m no longer expending my energy to change it. My difficult feeling will exist whether or not I consciously acknowledge it. At least when I acknowledge it, I’m not expending energy trying to forget something that’s impossible to forget in the first place.
So, how do we practice accepting our difficult emotions?
It’s important to note that acceptance is a practice, not a technique or intervention we apply to make things all better. It is an ongoing process, especially since we will all face difficult emotions throughout our lifetimes.
We can practice acceptance by being curious about the full range of our emotional experience. In order to begin, we must first notice what we’re feeling. Does the feeling have a name or is it more of a sensation? Where do you notice it in your body? Next, we can imagine breathing into this feeling and/or this part of our body, as we turn our attention to our breath. We can imagine making room or opening up space around this feeling. We don’t have to like or approve of this thought, feeling, or sensation, we’re just allowing it to be present.
Can you imagine your feeling as an object? A particular shape, color, or texture? What size is your emotion? For me personally, my own anxiety often feels like a hard knot of rough, black material sitting right on my chest. We also practice accepting our feelings when we realize and remember that part of being human means encountering difficult feelings, and that having difficulty feelings does not mean something is fundamentally wrong with us or that we necessarily need to “fix” something. We can show ourselves compassion by simply placing a hand over the spot on our bodies where experience this difficult feeling and imagine breathing compassion into it.
The great news is that it’s still possible for us to live full, rich, meaningful lives, while also acknowledging the pain that inevitably comes with living as a human being. If you would like to chat further about learning how to live an abundant life, even in the presence of difficult emotions, I’d love to chat! You can give me a call at (314) 392-2895.
References
Harris, R. (2009). ACT made simple: An easy-to-read primer on Acceptance & Commitment Therapy. Oakland: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
