Emotions have not always been thought of in the most positive light. I’m sure most (if not all) of us can think back to a time when we experienced an emotion, be it positive or negative, and we were told to “tone it down,” “get over it,” or given some kind of nonverbal indicator that what we were feeling was making someone else uncomfortable and/or was unacceptable. These messages and responses can be powerful influences on how we view and respond to our own emotions.

I’m often reminding myself and my clients that emotions serve a purpose—they give us information. When we work to avoid our emotions, or when we become so consumed by them that we can’t see anything else, we miss out on the lessons they’re trying to teach us. I’ve recently written about how we can acknowledge our difficult emotions without becoming overwhelmed by them, which you can read about here. So, what and how can we learn from our emotions?

First, we need to recognize and identify the feeling(s) we’re experiencing, either as we experience them or as we reflect on a situation that caused an emotional reaction within us. We can learn a lot about ourselves by exploring how our emotions influence our reactions to a particular situation or circumstance. Not sure what you’re feeling? As simple as this may sound, sometimes looking at a list of feelings can be helpful – we can pick out the word that best describes what we’re experiencing in the moment. For example:

            Angry              Frustrated                   Annoyed

            Happy             Calm                             Excited

            Fear                 Apprehensive             Uneasy

            Sad                   Disappointed              Grief

            Surprise          Disbelief                      Shock

            Guilt                Sheepish                      Awkward

            Disgust            Curiosity                      Affection

Why is this important? Our ability to acknowledge and be curious about our emotions impacts our personal well-being and our ability to relate to others. Our emotions provide us with information about how we’re experiencing the world and people around us, which helps us respond in kind. For example, we usually experience the feeling of fear when we are in a dangerous or risky situation. If we are experiencing fear walking down a dark alleyway in a notoriously bad part of town, that fear is prompting us to remain alert and conscious of our surroundings.

Our ability to recognize our emotions helps us understand our emotional and relational needs. If I feel taken advantage of by a friend or co-worker, that may signal to me that I need to establish boundaries with that person in order to preserve my sanity and prevent me from resenting that person. Also, since emotions give us information, they can help us communicate what we need or desire in our relationships with others. Our ability to recognize our own emotions also helps us to empathize and sympathize with others, since emotions are universal to the human experience.

We’re all born with an innate sense of intelligence. We do many things to cultivate this intelligence as we get older: go to school, read books, interact with other people. So, how can we cultivate this emotional intelligence? Mindfulness plays a significant role in emotional intelligence because mindfulness by definition involves paying attention. In order to understand what we are experiencing, how we are feeling about it, and how our bodies are responding, we must pay attention to internal thoughts and sensations. We can observe what we’re feeling without judging ourselves or the feeling. For example, let’s say that I’m meeting a friend for coffee, and that this friend is late every time we get together. I’m tired of always waiting fifteen minutes for her to show up after our appointed meeting time. I may notice myself gritting my teeth or clenching my fist as the time ticks by. Since I do not like confrontation, my tendency in the past has been to excuse my friend’s lateness in my mind with thoughts like, “Oh, she must be stuck in traffic” or “I’m sure she has a valid reason for being late,” so that I can write my anger at her lateness off as being unwarranted, and then I don’t have to address it. The truth is, it’s still frustrating that I’m waiting fifteen minutes—even if she does have a good reason for being late. It makes sense that I’m angry.

The thing about emotions is that they linger, even if we do everything in our power to avoid or suppress them. In the scenario above, I’m probably more angry in this situation because of my friend’s chronic lateness, and my continuing to make excuses for her lateness, rather than address it with her. When we accept our negative feelings, rather than try to avoid them or push them away, we give the feelings less power over our minds and behavior, freeing ourselves up to focus on other things that bring meaning and value to our lives. Even if I feel awkward telling her about my frustration with her chronic lateness, I’m addressing the feeling, and providing her with an opportunity to understand how her lateness impacts me, as well as set up an opportunity to set boundaries regarding if and how long I will wait for her in the future.

Our bodies are often great sources of information when it comes to emotions. If I notice myself gritting my teeth or clenching my fists, I can explore what these sensations are trying to tell me or what emotion they’re pointing me towards. How can I care for my body in that moment? Take some deep breaths? Drink some water? This can be information worth using the next time I feel angry.

If you’d like to explore this topic further, or address what your emotions may be trying to tell you, feel free to give me a call at (314) 392-2895.