As I sat down to write this blog post, all I could think was: Gosh, dating can be tough.

Dating can be tough for so many reasons. For one, in our individualistic society today, it can be hard to simply meet someone we even want to date! When we do find someone we want to date, wading through questions about compatibility, personality, values, etc, can feel daunting and sometimes leave us with more questions than answers.

Something else that can get in the way are our own beliefs about relationships. In my own dating experiences and in my work with clients, I’ve found that what we believe about relationships (both romantic and platonic) can influence the kinds of relationships we enter into, how we act in those relationships, and what we expect from those we’re in relationship with.

Depending on the messages we received about relationships growing up and in our past relationships of all kinds, we may have formulated less than healthy ideas about relationships that seem normal to us based on our experiences. These beliefs can cause us to put up with unhealthy behavior without us fully realizing its unhealthy, hurting both ourselves and our partners in the long-run.

Gee, Julie, super uplifting blog post so far!

The GOOD news is that we can consider the beliefs we hold about relationships from a place of nonjudgmental curiosity. We can then take this information and hold it up next to what we value in a relationship. And then we can make choices based on what we know and what we value to establish relationships that are fulfilling and authentic.

Some questions to consider in regards to the beliefs you may be holding about relationships, but may be unaware of:

• What was your parents’ relationship like?
• How were emotions viewed in your family growing up?
• How was conflict handled in your family growing up?
• What were the roles and/or expectations of each member of the family?

Some questions to consider in order to clarify what you value in relationships:

• What are some patterns from the family you grew up in that you’d like to replicate in your own family?
• What are some patterns from the family you grew up in that you do not want to replicate in your own family?
• Think about a relationship or interaction with someone in your life when you felt heard, seen, and/or understood. What about that interaction made you feel heard/seen/understood?
• Think about a relationship or interaction with someone in your life when you did not feel heard, seen, and/or understood. What about that interaction made you feel that way?

In my own dating experiences and in my work with clients, I’ve noticed some common relationship beliefs that we often hold without realizing the potential harm they may cause.

Relationship Belief #1: My partner should know how I’m feeling without me having to tell them how I’m feeling.

Some of us may have grown up in homes where unspoken thoughts and feelings were well read by others and/or passive aggressive communication styles were the norm. Our partner may not have had such an experience. Not to mention, some nonverbal cues may be interpreted by one family one way, and by another family in another way, almost like two different languages! We all process information in different ways. If you expect your partner to know how you’re feeling or what you’re thinking without having to communicate with them, your partner will definitely fail and disappoint you.

Relationship Belief #2: I know my partner didn’t intentionally hurt me, therefore, I do not need to address the behavior that caused me pain.

I once heard an analogy describing the relationship between intention and impact. Let’s say we’re walking down a hallway together, and I lose my footing, bumping into you which causes you to bump into the wall. I didn’t mean to knock you into the wall – nonetheless, you still feel pain. I apologize to you profusely and you forgive me and move on, knowing accidents happen. Now, let’s say, we’re walking down the hallway a few days later, and the same thing happens again – I accidentally knock you into the wall, apologize, and you move on. Let’s say this keeps happening week after week – do you think you’re going to keep walking down the hallway with me? If you do, you may walk a few steps in front of or behind me to stay out of my clumsy way. You may start to wonder if I actually am knocking into you on purpose. You may choose to stop walking with me altogether. Regardless of whether I’m intentionally knocking you into the wall or not, the pain you’ve experienced walking with me is changing the nature of our interactions together. This is what happens in relationships when pain goes unaddressed – the nature of the relationship changes. We alter how we communicate or what we share with another person, we may become skeptical of their intentions, or we may decide to end the relationship altogether instead of addressing the core issue. Sometimes, we keep walking down the hallway, getting slammed into the wall. In other words, we put up pain for the sake of continuing the relationship. We rationalize a behavior that in reality, actually bothers us and causes us pain. This keeps us from having a fulfilling, authentic relationship in line with our values. It also keeps our partner from knowing what is hurting us and prevents them from having the chance to change their behavior.

Relationship Belief #3: If I marry/move in/have a baby with this person, their behavior will change.

Some people think that if they just move in with their partner, marry them, and/or have a baby with them, the close physical proximity or increased responsibility will increase emotional closeness. However, most of the time, problems in relationships (conflict, poor communication, etc) tend to become amplified in closer quarters. For example, maybe you’re frustrated with your partner’s lack of financial planning, and you think that once you get married and/or have a baby, they’ll be forced to change their habits due to increased responsibility. This could happen, but what if they don’t know how to be financially responsible? What if the two of you have different financial goals and priorities or different definitions of what it means to be financially responsible? Major life decisions won’t necessarily bring about the change you desire in your partner. It’s important to discuss problem areas in the relationship before making a long-term commitment in order to save yourself hassle, heartache, and resentment down the road.

If you find yourself struggling with any of the relationship beliefs above, or just trying to figure out what beliefs you carry into relationships in general, I’d be happy to chat with you! Give me a call at (314) 392-2895. You don’t have to keep operating under the same faulty belief system and making the same relationship mistakes!