Have you ever stopped to marvel at the amazing, intricate organ in our heads that we call the brain? It’s always fascinated me how one single organ can be capable of so much. From sending messages to and from various other organs in our body, to creating genius works of art, to decoding and interpreting messages through language, our brains are capable of incredible things.

One of our brain’s amazing functions is the ability to recognize problems and to respond. This is a necessary skill that us humans have needed throughout the years. When our ancestors saw a lion, their brains notified them to seek safety away from the lion. When our stomachs growl from hunger, our brain tells us to eat a sandwich. This is an incredibly adaptive skill! Who needs Google when we have a database full of solutions inside our heads?! (I kid…of course I need Google!)

The tricky part comes when our brain offers us solutions that may not be in line with our values. For example, let’s say that my friends are super important to me, and I become so afraid that I will say something to offend one of them. My brain may offer me several solutions: only talk about things that you know won’t cause offense; don’t accept that lunch invitation from your friend; don’t talk to your friend ever again. These are all possible solutions that my brain has offered me and any one of those might be useful in reassuring me that I’m not saying anything to offend my friend. It may stop the pain I’m experiencing over the possibility that I could offend my friend. But what is it costing me? It’s offering temporary relief from pain, but costing me my friendship if I completely withdraw.

I once worked with a client who really loved her job. She was good at it and received positive performance evaluations from her superiors. However, she started becoming anxious and thinking that maybe there was someone out there who was better suited for her job. She started having thoughts that she was selfish for staying at her job when the company could have a more effective employee. She started thinking that maybe she should quit, and when she laughed at herself for thinking that, she experienced guilt for not putting the company’s “best” interests above her own.

When she explained this vicious thought cycle to me, we were able to identify that her brain was trying to solve her “problem” of thinking someone was better suited for her position by giving her the solution of quitting. Her brain was so persistent in trying to solve this matter that she was experiencing self-judgment over telling her brain that quitting was not a solution she wanted to pursue.

So, what can we do when our brains offer us solutions to resolve the problem of our pain? First, we can notice when we’re experiencing emotional pain and pay attention to the solutions our brain is offering us. Going back to our first example, let’s say I experience fear that I will be rejected by my friends for saying something that offends them. I notice that fear as a heavy feeling in my chest. Next, I curiously consider the solutions my brain is offering me to get rid of this fear: only talk about things that you know won’t cause offense; don’t accept that lunch invitation from your friend; don’t talk to your friend ever again. Then, I consider my values: I know I value my friendships and I value authenticity and honesty in my friendships. I can ask myself if any of these options my brain is offering as a way out of pain are in line with my values. While only choosing to discuss the weather may mean that I don’t say anything that hurts my friend’s feelings, I’m not really living out my value of authenticity. If I decide never to talk to my friend again out of fear of hurting her, then I’m not living out my value of friendship. I may be avoiding the pain that comes with the fear of being rejected by my friend by essentially rejecting her first, but I’m not living out one of my most important values.

One of the problems our brains are designed to help solve is stopping the pain that we feel. Sometimes, the solutions our brains throw out there are laughable, like in the example of my client quitting her job. We know we don’t want to quit that job or that friendship, but our pain is just so strong and seemingly unbearable, that those solutions hold some appeal. The great news is that, while our brains offer us a plethora of solutions, we get to decide which solution is workable and which is in line with our values. This might mean experiencing our painful emotion instead of trying to push it away. It might mean we take the risk of having lunch with our friend and not only talk about the weather. It might even mean some self-judgmental thoughts come up (“you shouldn’t be having lunch with her when you could possibly hurt her feelings!”). But instead of giving into the solution that takes us away from our values, we can thank our brains for fulfilling their function of problem solving, and choose a response that we want to choose. Thank you, brain, for trying to protect me from my fear of rejection. I appreciate your problem-solving function. I hear what you’re saying, but I’m going to have lunch with my friend because she’s important to me and I want to hear about what’s going on in her life.

This can be tricky, especially since so many of our thoughts are so automatic! But by pausing and being curious when we experience a painful thought and feeling, we can begin to notice the solutions our brain is laying out before us and choose the one that’s in line with our values, even when this means that we will experience a painful emotion. We all experience painful emotions – it’s part of being human. We don’t have to let our fear or avoidance of those painful emotions make our decisions for us. Instead, we can notice those painful thoughts and feelings as what they are—painful thoughts and feelings—and allow them to be present while we act in accordance with our values. 

This can be so much easier said than done! If you’d like some support on this journey, give Abundant Life a call today at (314) 392-2895.