I often have conversations with clients about reassurance seeking. We can look for reassurance both internally or externally. We may reassure ourselves repeatedly that something is or will be okay, reviewing or replaying situations or information to reassure ourselves of our desired outcome. We can look for reassurance externally, such as asking others if they’re mad at us, if they think we did the “right” thing or if we’re a good person, etc. This can include revisiting previous conversations we’ve had to “make sure” we’ve heard the person correctly or that they meant what we think they meant.

I recently had a conversation with someone who kept reassuring herself with a fact – something that was true. What was tricky for her was, that no matter that she knew it was true, she kept having to remind herself it was true. What was trying to bring her relief was actually bringing her more distress. Reminding herself of the fact was not actually reassuring her – it was demanding more and more robust reassurance.

Reassurance-seeking can almost be like a drug. We get a little bit and it feels good for a short time, but eventually, the “high” wanes, and we need more. There was a point in my life where I was stuck in my obsessive thoughts about a particular topic, and a person in my life was consistently reassuring me. I remember one time when this person was unavailable to reassure me, and I felt like my world was falling apart. It was only when I learned to sit in my discomfort without seeking reassurance that the need and compulsive search for reassurance lost its hold on me.

If you feel you’re dependent on seeking and receiving reassurance to the point that it’s interfering with your relationships, ability to cope, or making the anxiety worse, I’ve experienced firsthand how helpful ERP can be. If you’d like to learn more about ERP or how I treat obsessive thoughts, reach out to me through my contact page.